Life has thrown many lemons at me the past 7 month. I just couldn’t seem to catch a break. Just when I thought I was in the clear for a moment. God had other plans. Life threw me another lemon and my was it a very bitter one. This lemon was definitely not ready to be picked. It was still green. Life as I know it was about to change once more. I got the news that my boyfiend had been cheating. Yes the one that held my hand at my grandfathers funeral,wiped my tears many nights after, soothed my soul after my uncles death, and had simply been there for me. He was my life savor when I had fell overboard. And you know that “best friend and neighbor” he had, you know the one that had smiled in your face, went out her way to speak to you, laughed with you and had a few light conversations with you? Well sometimes she’s the “mistress”. And that smile was a set up, and that hello was staged, and those smiles were because she knew something that you didn’t know. How could this happen right under my nose? right across the street? And how did I miss it? Did I know and just not want to acknowledge it? All those questions you ask yourself, all those feelings of doubt, and thinking why weren’t you good enough, seem to surface. There is nothing like seeing the evidence for yourself. NOTHING. I ranted around like a crazy woman. Angry, hurt, bitter, confused as to what to do now and where do we go from here? Well of course “Love” conquers all and well sometimes…you stay. Until one day you get a text at work that say’s “I love you and just want you to be happy with or without me.” And your heart sinks, because you have a bad feeling. And normally that feeling is right, he was leaving. He was leaving you for her. I promise it never really hits you until you walk in the house and see them standing there. It never really hits you until you are standing there crying, broken. Because your best was not good enough and the engagement plans that had been talked about in june had to be canceled. Those kids you had picked names out for wouldn’t be with him. Those grocery store trips seem way more complicated and taking the kids with you is a lot more complicated alone. I screamed one day and I road until I had to go back home. It hurt like hell. To know everyone knew but me. For people to still be asking me where he is, what happened, and telling me about them. I cried so many nights and there were days I stood at work in front of my daycare kids just wanting to burst out in tears. And sometimes its still fresh and I still hurt. But then I ask myself who really won here? It’s her turn to deal with it because believe me she was just the one that took him up on his offer. There were others before her and there will be others during her. So I now laugh when I see that smile on her face like she has won a prize. I remember how I was once her believing that I wanted someone that someone else had. Believing that because he was entertaining me that it was funny, she wasn’t good enough, she hadn’t done her best and that I would be “the one”. So I laugh at her youthfulness and his foolishness. And remember the promises that god made me. And always remember that “Karma is a B****”
February 8th 2014
I found myself standing in Baltimore Washington Hospital putting on my mask to walk through the ICU doors to see the very man that raised me, When I heard sirens “CODE BLUE 289”. Phew he’s in room 279…No, he’s in 289. I stood crying,begging,and pushing at big wooden doors that would not open. Let me in I pleaded. Someone must have heard me. I’m not sure, but they opened them for me. I ran down the hall to find doctors surrounding him, one on top doing chest compressions and others just standing looking hopeful. I fought my way in, in to him because he will pull through for me. He’s done this so many times this time will NOT be different. “Just don’t get in his way I heard a nurse say.” He needs me. He’ll hear me. I watched, I cried, and they worked and they worked and they worked some more. I hear my aunt praying. I see my grandmother praying. What is that 0 for on the monitor? “oh they have a slight pulse” I finally hear a nurse say. It died back out. Bring in the paddles. 1 shock… 2 shocks…I screamed…”look he shocked Himself…look he did it again! nothing. Time? 12… What do you mean I screamed! YOU BETTER SAVE HIM. SAVE HIM HE’s THE ONLY DADDY I GOT! We tried…he hadn’t had oxygen for 25 minutes a doctor said as I pushed her hand away. I sat in a corner and I cried and I heard my aunt saying through tears “we have to be strong for grandma…get up kierra…get up.” I cant. As they removed the tubes I held his hand…I told him I loved him and I laid there and cried. I just want to remember his hands, how big, how strong, how rough and soft they were. How do I tell my mom? How do I do this? I have to do this. I pulled myself together the best that I could. I waited for her to step off the elevator and tears filled my eyes. “NO” as she ran to the room. And all I could think was “I was right there. I was right there at the doors and they would not open.” perhaps that’s what is haunting me. perhaps that’s what is eating my soul alive on the inside. I heard her scream. I will never hear another scream like that. ever. I held her. I rubbed her head. and for a moment I was strong. Telling her everything I thought she needed to hear. Yet believing in nothing I was saying. Because truthfully, it’s not going to be alright… it will NEVER be alright. It will only be dealt with. You will never forget, the days will just move on. The sun will rise, the sun will set, dark will fall and it will haunt you each and every day. Those sirens, those doctors, that last moment.
February 15th, 2014
I sat in the funeral looking at his pictures on the obituary wondering why he was up there, wondering why am I here and whom am I here for? When it was my turn I stood there looking at him, crying…”wake up granddaddy, someone wake him up. I love you. I love you so much.” why am I burying my granddaddy? my daddy. The man that loved me before I ever loved myself. The man that loved me at first sight, more than the woman that birth me and the man that made me. The man that put diet soda in my bottle every night after work “she was suckin air”, he’d say. The man that sent money faithfully every month to ensure I was taken care of. “The man that never forgot my birthday.The man that would say “goin wit me little woman?” “I go wit u da.” The man that was no more than the 2nd car picking me up from school, leaving 30 minutes early to ensure he was there ON TIME! How do I do this? How do I just not get in there with him? I sat at the site looking at his picture as people picked flowers like vulutures from the flower I had made specifically for him. it was my last gift to him. It had to be special. This is it, this is my “see you later” And on that sunny, windy day I buried my grandfather along with a part of my heart, my soul, a part of me. They may as well had buried me too. I’m smiling i’m laughing and there are moments where I forget. But there is no “normalcy” in my life anymore. I will never be “normal” again. I will never be able to shut out the events of those days. I will forever be reminded. But I will live. I will acknowledge that god makes NO mistakes. That just as we live we all must die. That it was not “goodbye” as there is no such thing as “goodbye” it is only “see you later” (my granddaddy taught us that). I will acknowledge that I did not just live for him. But for so many others than myself. Knowing that I have yet to fulfill my journey here. But knowing that when my book is done and my time is up he will be waiting for me. He will greet me and I will hug him forever I will never have to remember his hands because I will hold them forever when that day comes. But for now I live as how he’d want me too and I remember him forever.
Do you ever wonder what mark you will leave behind when you die? Who and how will people remember you? Did you live or simply exist? Ever since I heard about Talia Joy Castellano loosing her battle with cancer (nueroblastoma) I have been pondering these questions. She fought and kicked cancers ass for 6 long years. Much longer than some. It may seem as though she has lost her battle, but she hasn’t, and she won’t. Her soul may leave but she will live on. In my eyes she’s won her battle. She will do what we all have to do. “Just as we live we shall die, it’s the circle of life”-talia. When she leaves this world, it will owe her nothing, she has come to do what she was meant to do. I just hate she had to go through all of this to achieve what god had set for her to accomplish. Sometimes I wonder why, why bring someone here that has to suffer? But isn’t that the human side of me? We aren’t always able to comprehend these things. And if you are raised in church you are taught to not question god… But we do anyway. We’re human and he forgives us. Talia lived, she will forever live. She will always be an inspiration to me and so many others. In her final moments I hope and pray she has peace and comfort. She feels the love surrounding her and remembers that she didnt loose this battle… She kicked cancers ass. Her soul may leave but her message lives on. Her life wasn’t always as beautiful as she was but it was beautiful just the same. What i will take from following some of her fight is to not feel sorry for myself no matter what situation I’m put in, to just keep swimming. I’m sure her next life will be so much more beautiful than this life. She’ll be beautiful forever with no pain. That must seem like a nice thought for her right now. Used to finding nemo was just some kiddie movie that I could 1. Never watch all the way through 2. Never find the moral in. Now I watch it an it has meaning, I think of talia, I can now find the moral of the story and I have her to thank for that. “Just keep swimming” kid “just keep swimming”.
I loved this so much….I had to reblog this. It’s PErFECT && something everyone should read.
The clouds hang low today. It’s gloomy and cold, yet the wind is still. There is no t.v. on,phones ringing, and the babies are finally napping. It’s so quiet and peaceful and all I can hear are the birds chirping. But even with the sun tucked in behind the clouds it’s still a beautiful day. Although all I’ve heard was yelling and crying all day it’s still been a tiring day but a wonderful day. I’ve been blessed to see another one that’s enough to be thankful for. I hope everyone else’s day has been equally as wonderful.
I know how you feel all to well. love this
But You are not disappointed. You are not surprised. You comfort me through the tears and through the frustration. And You continue to whisper, “I have a plan.”
I trust your plan.
I am blind to it. But I am leaping in faith. I stretch out my arms. I throw back my head, and I jump from the dead-end cliff of my own plan. I only fall for a moment, but then I fly into safety of Your steadfast arms.
Thank You for Your comfort. Thank You for Your plan. Thank You for Your courage to jump.
For the last year I was with a guy and his daughter. What’s the problem with that? Oh nothing more than he was living with his baby-mama. Judge me, call me stupid, call me a hoe, call me a slut, a mistress, the “other” girl, a home wrecker. Trust me i’ve heard them all before and i’ve felt like every one of those and then some.You aren’t in my shoes today, doesn’t mean you won’t be in my shoes some day. Trust me I never thought I would ever be in the shoes i’m in today. I never thought I could even love a man like I did him. period. Let’s clear one thing up first (I HAD NEVER BEEN WITH ANYONE THAT I KNEW WAS WITH ANYONE ELSE BEFORE). In fact I looked down on those type of women/men. Never in a million years did I think it would be me. Never in a million years did I think I would ever love anyone like I did him. However I knew the moment I stood at his door and he smiled he would break my heart, he would be the one I would love and it would hurt. He was my heart-breaker. Never in a million,billion,trillion years did I think it would hurt this bad though. October 8, 2011. I stood at his door with no more than a smile introducing myself. With the thought “he has a babymama, I respect that.” I did, I do respect it. I listened to him, and I had proof of the unhappiness that occured with their relationship. I knew his circumstances. I saw them first hand myself (I’m one of those I believe it when I see it type of people). I got all the promises. Heard out all his dreams. He spent many days, many nights with me. I played with him and his daughter I loved watching them together. We even discussed more kids.But even though I could see the unhappiness that would occur, the big ass fights, arguments etc. There was still a sense of guilt that I carried around. I knew what it felt like to be cheated on, lied to. I knew that reguardless of how she was, who she was it would still hurt. I was stuck between my heart and head. I was stuck between the love I had for him and his little girl and the burden I carried with me everyday. I was also growing tired of the judgmental statements made towards me, I was tired of the broken promises. This was clearly not a roll I was meant to play. I was accustomed to being the one lied to, the “other girl” was the one on the other end of my phone telling me who the hell she was. And NO ONE knew how much I hated it, how much I hated that I loved him, how bad I felt. How guilty I felt, how many nights I cried, how many times I just wanted to be done but I loved them to much. I missed them to much when I was gone. Even ZI was asking for his daughter and about him. The only way she would even go to church one Sunday was because I told her his daughter would be there ( which was clearly a lie lol but I had to get out the door.) I would leave and go back every single time. My emotions would get the best of me being there and walking away. I was an emotional wreck no matter how you looked at it. I was a fool. I was a fool for him and only him.There was no other way to say it, to put it. I was in-love with him. The thought of him, the idea of him. Just everything about him made me love him even the things I didn’t like I loved. I knew one day though this would be to much for him too and he would have to choose which way to go. He was stuck between his heart, head, the idea of me, and the history with her. He was trying hard to keep both of us as happy as possible without hurting either one of us. I loved him enough to want to see him happy, and although I knew he could be happy with me. I knew deep down no matter what happened, he loved her. No matter how bad it hurt me to admit it. I loved hi enough to set him free and well if he came back to me then that’s when I’d know it was meant to be. This time I didn’t go back, it hurt(s). I die everyday. I swear I hear him calling my name some days. I hear his little girl calling me mama. And sometimes Za’niyah still asks about them, just not as much (i’m thankful for that, it was a CONSTANT reminder.) I’ve taken this time to try and get over him, let him go. And some days I want to see him so bad, I want so bad to just go cry and say pick me, please, because I love you. Just straight beg! Then I snap back into reality and just go on with the day whether it’s faking a smile, laugh. Or faking really being interested in someone else. I’ve met a few people after him, there was only one that came half way to making me truly happy again. Then he just disappeared and honestly I was hurt by the situation but in my heart of hearts I didn’t care that he left. Just the way things happened. I still was struggling to not call him (P). So I wouldn’t call him anything at all sometimes. The rest of them… well they just weren’t him. They required to much of my energy to act like I was interested. The struggle of having to go over everything about myself, my likes, dislikes, just seemed to much for me to handle for the first time. He already knew those things.I finally found someone that resembled him, even had the same name, same build. He was just missing the daughter. Oh and the baby-mama drama(Which was a plus). I still found myself trying to talk myself into being interested. Then I found myself on the couch with y face in my hands, crying my eyes out because realization kicked in! Just because they resembled, had the same name etc.. He wasn’t him and never would be. I miss him everyday of my life. My mother and grandmother told me i’ll love someone else but i’ll never love anyone else like I loved him. They didn’t have to tell me that. I thought I loved a few until I met him. I realized what it meant to truly be in love. Some days it just drives me crazy. I’ve never cried so much in my life. I’m a fool. I’m only a fool for him though.
I watched my cousin and uncle watch basketball and football recruiting highlights and all I could think about was you. How she caused you to loose your football scholarship all because of the love you had for her. How now all you can do is live with the regret. Now I watch her take away your smile most days. You would sit with me telling me how bad you want to play football, how bad you hate that you didn’t finish school. How bad you wanted to go pro. I could see your own disappointment in your eyes. I think about all the time and effort those coaches had to put into you. How they had to see something more than you did. They gave you a future and all you had to do was appreciate it. Now it’s gone. Now you have to live with the regret and you deal with it everyday. You always had back up things that you liked to do. There was cutting hair, then there was culinary school, there was firestone, then there was truck driving. The list could probably go on and on. As I watch you work the job you have now, I just think to myself. Talent, wasted. I was willing to be there for you all the way. My mother was willing to take you back and forth just for me, although she really felt that putting all my time and effort into you was just a waste of time. My grandmother was willing to help you get through! They knew I loved you, they knew i’d go to war for you. Be there for you, no matter the cost. In the end it wasn’t enough,love wasn’t enough. Or maybe it was because the love you obviously had for her made you run right back every single time, no matter the cost. I still hear your dreams but sadly it feels as though that’s all they will ever be for you. As I watch you and your life from a far. I wanted more for you than you wanted for yourself. You told me don’t make the same mistakes you did, be better than you. I wanted to be there for you, with you and be better with you, for you. Stopped drinking with you, thinking maybe this would help you get a better outlook on what life could be like. Where you didn’t need to smoke or drink your emotions away. Life away. But it wasn’t enough. You just continued to drown your sorrows and deal the best way you know how. people keep telling me that everyone can’t be helped.That you have to either learn on your own or never learn at all. That you have to come to reality on your own. As though I don’t already know. It’s why I stopped dealing with you. But I love you and all I want is to see you happily ever after at the end of your story. I loved you enough to want the world to see all you had to offer because everyone wasn’t seeing it. In fact I think I was the only one that could see it sometimes. In the end i’ll always be proud of you no matter what you choose to do. That’s the kind of love I have for you.