I’m A Fool…Only For You!

For the last year I was with a guy and his daughter. What’s the problem with that? Oh nothing more than he was living with his baby-mama. Judge me, call me stupid, call me a hoe, call me a slut, a mistress, the “other” girl, a home wrecker. Trust me i’ve heard them all before and i’ve felt like every one of those and then some.You aren’t in my shoes today, doesn’t mean you won’t be in my shoes some day. Trust me I never thought I would ever be in the shoes i’m in today.  I never thought I could even love a man like I did him. period. Let’s clear one thing up first (I HAD NEVER BEEN WITH ANYONE THAT I KNEW WAS WITH ANYONE ELSE BEFORE). In fact I looked down on those type of women/men. Never in a million years did I think it would be me. Never in a million years did I think I would ever love anyone like I did him. However I knew the moment I stood at his door and he smiled he would break my heart, he would be the one I would love and it would hurt. He was my heart-breaker. Never in a million,billion,trillion years did I think it would hurt this bad though. October 8, 2011. I stood at his door with no more than a smile introducing myself. With the thought “he has a babymama, I respect that.” I did, I do respect it. I listened to him, and I had proof of the unhappiness that occured with their relationship. I knew his circumstances. I saw them first hand myself (I’m one of those I believe it when I see it type of people). I got all the promises. Heard out all his dreams. He spent many days, many nights with me. I played with him and his daughter I loved watching them together. We even discussed more kids.But even though I could see the unhappiness that would occur, the big ass fights, arguments etc. There was still a sense of guilt that I carried around. I knew what it felt like to be cheated on, lied to. I knew that reguardless of how she was, who she was it would still hurt. I was stuck between my heart and head. I was stuck between the love I had for him and his little girl and the burden I carried with me everyday. I was also growing tired of the judgmental statements made towards me, I was tired of the broken promises. This was clearly not a roll I was meant to play. I was accustomed to being the one lied to, the “other girl” was the one on the other end of my phone telling me who the hell she was. And NO ONE knew how much I hated it, how much I hated that I loved him, how bad I felt. How guilty I felt, how many nights I cried, how many times I just wanted to be done but I loved them to much. I missed them to much when I was gone. Even ZI was asking for his daughter and about him. The only way she would even go to church one Sunday was because I told her his daughter would be there ( which was clearly a lie lol but I had to get out the door.) I would leave and go back every single time. My emotions would get the best of me being there and walking away. I was an emotional wreck no matter how you looked at it. I was a fool. I was a fool for him and only him.There was no other way to say it, to put it. I was in-love with him. The thought of him, the idea of him. Just everything about him made me love him even the things I didn’t like I loved. I knew one day though this would be to much for him too and he would have to choose which way to go. He was stuck between his heart, head, the idea of me, and the history with her. He was trying hard to keep both of us as happy as possible without hurting either one of us. I loved him enough to want to see him happy, and although I knew he could be happy with me. I knew deep down no matter what happened, he loved her. No matter how bad it hurt me to admit it. I loved hi enough to set him free and well if he came back to me then that’s when I’d know it was meant to be. This time I didn’t go back, it hurt(s). I die everyday. I swear I hear him calling my name some days. I hear his little girl calling me mama. And sometimes Za’niyah still asks about them, just not as much (i’m thankful for that, it was a CONSTANT reminder.) I’ve taken this time to try and get over him, let him go. And some days I want to see him so bad, I want so bad to just go cry and say pick me, please, because I love you. Just straight beg! Then I snap back into reality and just go on with the day whether it’s faking a smile, laugh. Or faking really being interested in someone else. I’ve met a few people after him, there was only one that came half way to making me truly happy again. Then he just disappeared and honestly I was hurt by the situation but in my heart of hearts I didn’t care that he left. Just the way things happened. I still was struggling to not call him (P). So I wouldn’t call him anything at all sometimes. The rest of them… well they just weren’t him. They required to much of my energy to act like I was interested. The struggle of having to go over everything about myself, my likes, dislikes, just seemed to much for me to handle for the first time. He already knew those things.I finally found someone that resembled him, even had the same name, same build. He was just missing the daughter. Oh and the baby-mama drama(Which was a plus). I still found myself trying to talk myself into being interested. Then I found myself on the couch with y face in my hands, crying my eyes out because realization kicked in! Just because they resembled, had the same name etc.. He wasn’t him and never would be. I miss him everyday of my life. My mother and grandmother told me i’ll love someone else but i’ll never love anyone else like I loved him. They didn’t have to tell me that. I thought I loved a few until I met him. I realized what it meant to truly be in love. Some days it just drives me crazy. I’ve never cried so much in my life. I’m a fool. I’m only a fool for him though.

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All That Remains Is A Memory

I can’t feel my feet, they’re on the ground but I can’t feel them. My world has shattered, crashed, and burned right into a sea of tears since you’ve been gone. Since I last heard your voice, called your name felt any piece of you at all. Since your little girl has ran up to hug me, call me mama. I still hear the both of you in my dreams. I can’t cry because the tears won’t fall and my breathing is faint. I lost you and I’m so lost without you here. I know what I need to do. I need to let you go, because “if it’s meant to be it will be no matter what” at least that’s what I was taught. I was also taught that “anything worth having is worth fighting for.” But I don’t want to fight for you and you not fight back so I just sit. Sometimes I just feel as though the only battle here is the battle between my heart and tears and trust me they’re on the opposing team! I linger around in confusion, my heart and head are stuck in a world pool of emotions.I feel like i’m stuck in a maze and I can’t find my way out. I see my heart waiting where you dropped it off at. I can’t get to it, but it belongs to you anyway. The pain is killing me, I never knew it would hurt this bad. I wasn’t prepared, I loved you. I love you and how could I ever prepare myself to loose the one I love? How do you prepare for that? If you were here I’d tell you i’m sorry for it all, I’m sorry for all the things I said to you out of anger, out of hurt. I would never say them if  you were here now. I would do some things different. I feel like i’m falling off a cliff and I just want to hit the ground, because i’m tired of falling now. I’m tired of the wondering when the fall will just end, the ground seems as though it’s moving further away. At least that’s how my pain feels, never ending. I’m done with the book but I just can’t seem to close it. I keep re-reading the last chapter over and over again. I’m just not ready to be done yet. I want a sequel to my book and I want it to be happily ever after at the end.I want my ending to end with you and I. My heart breaks everyday. It’s like it repairs itself and breaks all over again the next day. It’s been a while now and I thought that by now my tears would have dried. But they’re still falling, I’m still saddened by the mention of your name. I’m still trying to fill the void of you and the kids not being here. I’m still trying to forget, hoping that if I forget I won’t have to deal with the memory. I thought of getting (skinny minnie) for Halloween so that she could trick or treat with zaniyah. I decided against it, I figured maybe it’s best that she never even remember me. Never even know I existed, i’ll soon become no more than a memory and she will one day no longer call me ma or cry to leave me. She won’t even run to me i’ll become a stranger and maybe it’s better that way. Remember last year? They were suppose to go together but it rained so I just bought a big bag of candy and split it between them. The next morning all they wanted was candy! The screams, the laughter,  a few tears never even phased us. I walked in your house to prove that you didn’t need to leave your doors unlocked since you believed you were “safe.” This year was different though and although I enjoyed watching her have fun, there was a sense of sadness, loneliness. I took her alone, I went back home to no one. To an empty house, no smiles, no laughs. Just  my tears, all that remains is my pain and memories. My heart was the one thing that didn’t change in this. The one thing that remains the same is my love for you. I just want someone to wake me up and say “Kierra you were having a dream.” All that remains of us is a memory.

Baby Fever

I have “baby fever”…(Sigh). Do I think HE could handle another child or more pregnancy news right now? No I think if I had to tell him that he would smile, laugh, then say Damn another one, I hope you have a boy lol. He feels he can, I feel he couldnt lol. Whatever happens, just happens I guess. We will just let that be a surprise I guess. Let’s just hope it’s before next year he claims lol. I think I would be happy and overwhelmed at the same time. But this baby fever just will not go away for nothing! I’ve tried everything! It’s just not working.

Breaking Hearts…

When someone ask’s me why do I love you? I simply smile and say I love you for who you are. I don’t feel as though I need a long list or explanation for loving you or anyone for that matter. Sometimes you are not always the person I thought you were and sometimes you are more than I expected you to be. However this is not healthy for me emotionally. I realize that, yet I do nothing to prevent it. Why? because I guess I just keep hoping, I just keep praying that one day this will get better. Yet everytime you come back and walk away i’m left with the pieces to pick back up. Sometimes I think you have good intentions and you don’t always mean to give me false hope and false dreams. I believe that at the moment you mean it and somewhere down the road you forget what you promised, you forget what you said, you forget about my heart. When someone asks me what do I see in you? I simply smile and say I see everything he has potential to be, I see all the things he can do. I see all the things he will do one day, just give him a little time. However I wonder how much more time can I spare? Right now I see all you can do, I also see all the things you don’t seem to be willing to do. And where there is a will there is a way, but without the will you won’t make a way. When I first met you I was under the impression that things were much different than they really are. Yet I still stuck around. I still stick around. Right now, I just feel stupid. I feel as though I’ve went beyond loving you, now i’m just being stupid for you. You leave and go back, I wait until the next time which won’t be to far off from now. Sure enough you come back angry, and broken again. Yet I take you back in making sure you are okay, making sure you have what you need. How much longer can I do this? Because everytime zi ask me why can’t she go play with your daughter I can’t really find the words. She can’t understand why she can’t see her friend right now, why she see’s her in pictures but not in person. I miss her myself. Sometimes I wonder why is it so hard to be good to the person that loves you, the one that doesn’t cause all the drama in your life, the one that takes you reguardless, the one that literally loves you no matter what you do,the one that wants to help you. Then again how come I can’t seem to love the one’s thats good to me? Instead I take you back in everytime, I rather loose them than loose you, I rather satisfy you than the one’s I know would give a good life. It’s not about what you have, it’s not about what you don’t have. People ask me whats the point? I can’t give them an answer because I don’t have one. I sit and listen to you, I encourage you and for a moment you see what i’m saying, you agree and yet you put your blinders right back on. I do the same eveytime you pop back up. I listen to you and try not to even take what you say to heart because I know in the end you only let me down, yet I put my blinders back on block out what my head is telling me and listen to my heart and use the excuse “I love him.” I remember when your cousin looked at me and said “damn girl your eyes smile when you see him.” My heart smiles, and breaks at the same time. It must be the toughest muscle I have because as much as it has been let down it seems to be able to take a little more each time. Yet I don’t think you treat me that bad. Even that part confuses me. I guess because when you are with me you treat me like every girl/woman wants to be treated. I was told I was to sweet for you, I was told I deserve better than you. I deserve the one I care about, the one I love and I deserve you. I just tell them what I put up with is my business, what we do is our business. Yet deep down I know I deserve someone that treats me right, I deserve someone that will stick to their word, I deserve to be there only one. Yet I want you because I do love you, because I only want you. Because i’m only willing to do half the stuff for others than I’m willing to do for you. I don’t want to picture life without you being apart of it.  Sometimes I’m not sure if I have a choice in the matter though.

I Am…

I’m crazy, sometimes dizzy, my jokes are only funny to me and a weirdo that gets it, I laugh at things only I sometimes find funny, I forget I’m grown sometimes, A 3year old walks around carrying my heart with her, I get irritated quickly some days, I forget how to spell some of the most simple words! I can’t do math in my head unless it’s the basics, I have yet to go to college, I chose the most imperfect guy to love (he’s probably the only guy that will actually sit and try to stick his middle toe up with me and laugh about it. He gets me.), I’m not the cutest person in the world I dont pretend to think so. My idea of being sexy are hello kitty underwear, with a T-shirt, Jeans and a pair of old navy flip flops! I’m sometimes overly sensitive and emotional, I cry at the stupidest things, sometimes I cry and don’t know why, I walk around with a smile ready to burst out in tears any minute! I walk around most day’s in t-shirts, underwear and my hair is a mess, He say’s I walk around and know I’m cute (I say I walk around with my head  in the clouds questioning myself, thinking I’m not cute at all, only boosting my confidence when he tells me so.),I’m extremely clingy and like a flee on a dog sometimes (you know, no matter how much u scratch me I just bounce to the other side),I’m too shy to ever approach anyone for fear of rejection, I freely express how I feel most of the time, I tell him I love him even If I don’t hear it back, I was told I make my mistake by expressing my feelings to people, I think people make their mistakes by not expressing themselves enough.

” I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” -Marilyn Monroe

Just One Of Those Days…

Tonight is just one of those nights, you know the one where every emotion but happiness seems to surface? I miss him so bad! I never thought that I could have ever felt this way about anyone like him! Growing up I was always the one that told my mom “Oh I don’t know why people walk around and mope over one person, their is more where they came from… so pick up your heart and move on. That will NEVER be me. She would kind of laugh and say, I hope it never is you but one day It will be you will run up with the right person that’s gone bring you off that high horse.” She was right… I loved him when he opened the door and smiled. I knew that him… him… Ohhhh he was different! The way he loved his kid and kids in general automatically gave him the key to my heart! Now I have to explain to Zi (who is a nice innocent constant reminder that life has a way of bringing things to an ABRUPT end) that she can’t go play with her “Bestfriend, sister(Wherever she got that one from I don’t know i’m still trying to figure it out!)” anymore. At least not right now and from the looks of things not ever. I feel so bored,sad,lonely around here now. I mean, I was stuck to him like glue at one point! Wasn’t to many days that went by I didn’t see him, talk to him, smother him to damn death Lol. I loved the kid just as much, if not more! They say “when you love someone you love everthing that comes with them” that has got to be the TRUTH! Once I saw him not even break out in a sweat and survive two screaming children. Who were running under tables, stepping on our feet, dropping chips and jumping on chairs and he wasn’t bothered one bit, I was sold! *Insert sweet quiet (but short) moment: two little girls laying on a chair together watching tv* If I wasn’t sold before (which I was) I was then! It’s been 1 month and 8 days since I was with him last. I’m so tired of feeling this way! It’s just a COMPLETE emotional drain. Why did my mom have to be right? I never felt like this over NO ONE! NOBODY at all, i’m usually the one that picks up my pieces no matter what! This just isn’t the same, I actually love him 0__o!No not me, I said that would never ever be me! It’s me and I don’t like it if it has to hurt. I mean I think my heart went into shock like,What DO YOU MEAN YOU CANT GET OVER HIM IN A WEEK OR LESS!? Yeah it has never felt this way before. He’s the only guy that I wouldn’t have minded marrying at some point in my life *just still not right now*. The fact I could actuatlly think about it or visualize it at all was just mind blowing for me. Oh how I hate the reality of life.

On top of that i’m in DESPERATE need of a JOB! All I want is a job! No one warned me on how hard it would be to find a decent job (okay maybe they did, and I already knew…But still). On top of that I have a million other things on my mind! Everything just seems to pile up at once. They say “when it rains it pours” and they didn’t lie! I will get through this some how i’m sure. I’ve gotten through life thus far I’ll make it through this to.

*Side note: so i’m watching the cosby show(old i know) but they sent sandra out with the same guy they used as denises husband *later episodes* smh TELEVISiON.

When Black’s Turn Racist…

I’ve never seen a problem with black men dating a white woman, a white woman dating a black man, a black woman dating a white man, or a white man dating a black woman. Then again i’ve never seen the problem with people having gay rights, or abortion rights (although abortion isn’t for me, and Homosexuals marrying in a church isn’t my ideal wedding). I’m just very liberal and feel as though everyone deserves choices. (Yes I attend church… Yes I know some of the bible and I will say this once… I answer to god for me, you will answer for you, and the rest will answer for themselves to. So what people do is their business I have no place to put them so who am I to judge?) I’m also that one that wouldn’t elect obama in office simply because he was BLACK (sorry honey i’m concerned about my future and the kids future not making damn history. Hillary I was all for you!lol I wasn’t a mccain fan, but I did like sarah palin *weird right?*) lol. However what is the big deal with interracial couples? And I must say the black men dating a white woman get the worst end of the bargain! Especially from their own race. You want to see a black woman(not all) mad, let her walk in the mall and see a black man hugged all up with his woman and she has the NERVE to be white! And god forbid he cheated with a white woman sentence him to death fore he has sinned (personally i dont care if she pink or red you cheat on me we gone have some problems reguardless!). And lets not forget if he is wealthy “she only want his money why couldnt he find a black girl?” (as if there are no gold digging black women)lol they come all out of themselves! I have experienced this first hand as I just stand their and think (what’s so bad about it? She is a human capable of being loved.) However i’ve heard many saying’s “They treat them better than they treat us.” Hmmm… Tiger woods cheated on his wife (blank stare) if that’s considered treating her better then please TREAT ME BAD!  My favorite though… “I remember when a black man couldn’t even look at a white woman.” (GASP, but you’re only like… 30 and u remember that?) Well I also remember when blacks couldnt go to school (you can do that now), Blacks couldnt sit in the same place and resteraunt or walk on the same side of the street as white’s (you can do that now). It’s a new error am I the only one that noticed? White people can adopt black children now:). Do you see a problem with that to? Bet not, you see a white couple adopt a black child and say awww how sweet. Yet you look down on an interracial couple, I see a double standard in that. Yet it seems to be okay for a black woman to date a white man (in the black community, now i’m sure that poor white man is catching it from his family if he still even has family willing to talk to him). I hear “Oh you go head girl u got yourself a white man *throws hand in air with wide smile” and again I just stand and stare lol.  Then I hear on the white side “What is that black girl doing with the white man? *turns nose up and walks away shaking head.* I live in the south where every race is racist lol. However I was born and semi-raised in the north! You can tell the difference from maryland, new york etc.. vs. North carolina, or Florida they put a piece of staring on you in the south if you are a multi racial couple you can here the whispers a mile away even in 2012 it never ends and god bless your kids when they go to school! I’m multi-racial. My mother is (African american, and cherokee). My father is (White, Haliwa Indian, and African american) and Well me I just resemble a mexican. That’s right a mexican they really think i’m one of them. lol. In school I was  never black enough to be black, or white enough to be white. So therefore i’ve had an interesting variety of friends. From hispanic, to white, asian, and black. So what did i mean by “I was  never black enough to be black, or white enough to be white” when I had different types of friends? When I first went to school the whole school was white, their were probably all of 20 blacks (including the principle and teachers). In my class photo I was the only black child (who again just looked like a stand in mexican lmao). However I never really saw color. I did go through a phase where I was terrified of (darker complected people other than memebers in my family that just proves that when a child see’s its family it see’s no color.) So when it came time to move and switch schools… I was in for a real treat… this school had way more african-american students. They taunted me and it was the black kids that were the worst! I had the hardest time making friends there at first. I got my first friend and she had the nerve to be white! why in the hell did i go and do that for? They taunted us together lol. I was this little mixed, proper english speaking kid knowing nothing but white people outside of my family (even my mom best friend was white) in this predomanitly black school wearing keds, and khaki jumpers. That was not a good combination. This went from elementary on… I did make some black friends along the way however I came to realize that some darker complected people have this hate towards you because they feel you think you are better than them and will get further in life and some even think you’re prettier than them. Then their were some white’s that just didnt think you fit with them either because you were not white enough! I had a few white teachers that simply disliked me because of my race, and a few black teachers that hated me for it to. I mean you can’t help who your parents are but with the time I was having I wish I could have chosen my parents! Tonight I saw a nice white couple with a black baby… it made me smile because I love the fact that two races can come together. I hate the fact they can’t be together in peace, because one day someone will point out the fact (the child will already know) that this child is black with a white family and make a big issue out of it. Nevermind the fact that the color of the skin is not what makes the mother or father it’s the love and care that makes them who they are, the one’s that love him the most and is there for all of his needs. Nevermind the fact love has no color and you can’t help who you fall in love with, who you love, what you love and the color of their skin. I see no color the one I love just so happens to be black. However if he was white, red, green, blue or purple, i’d still love him then to because i’m not in love with the color or his skin i’m in love with him and who he is (maybe  not all of his ways) lol. Tonight I reassured my little brother (9, they start early these days lol) that whatever race he decides to date is beautiful and as long as he loves her it won’t matter what color she is!

*people colors are just that colors, if you look in a crayon box there are many colors and most of us can never pick just one to love, when someone usually ask “whats your favorite color…we think… and think… and say well I like more than one so that’s hard to say. It’s no different with humans you don’t have to love one race just one person at a time lol.