I’m A Fool…Only For You!

For the last year I was with a guy and his daughter. What’s the problem with that? Oh nothing more than he was living with his baby-mama. Judge me, call me stupid, call me a hoe, call me a slut, a mistress, the “other” girl, a home wrecker. Trust me i’ve heard them all before and i’ve felt like every one of those and then some.You aren’t in my shoes today, doesn’t mean you won’t be in my shoes some day. Trust me I never thought I would ever be in the shoes i’m in today.  I never thought I could even love a man like I did him. period. Let’s clear one thing up first (I HAD NEVER BEEN WITH ANYONE THAT I KNEW WAS WITH ANYONE ELSE BEFORE). In fact I looked down on those type of women/men. Never in a million years did I think it would be me. Never in a million years did I think I would ever love anyone like I did him. However I knew the moment I stood at his door and he smiled he would break my heart, he would be the one I would love and it would hurt. He was my heart-breaker. Never in a million,billion,trillion years did I think it would hurt this bad though. October 8, 2011. I stood at his door with no more than a smile introducing myself. With the thought “he has a babymama, I respect that.” I did, I do respect it. I listened to him, and I had proof of the unhappiness that occured with their relationship. I knew his circumstances. I saw them first hand myself (I’m one of those I believe it when I see it type of people). I got all the promises. Heard out all his dreams. He spent many days, many nights with me. I played with him and his daughter I loved watching them together. We even discussed more kids.But even though I could see the unhappiness that would occur, the big ass fights, arguments etc. There was still a sense of guilt that I carried around. I knew what it felt like to be cheated on, lied to. I knew that reguardless of how she was, who she was it would still hurt. I was stuck between my heart and head. I was stuck between the love I had for him and his little girl and the burden I carried with me everyday. I was also growing tired of the judgmental statements made towards me, I was tired of the broken promises. This was clearly not a roll I was meant to play. I was accustomed to being the one lied to, the “other girl” was the one on the other end of my phone telling me who the hell she was. And NO ONE knew how much I hated it, how much I hated that I loved him, how bad I felt. How guilty I felt, how many nights I cried, how many times I just wanted to be done but I loved them to much. I missed them to much when I was gone. Even ZI was asking for his daughter and about him. The only way she would even go to church one Sunday was because I told her his daughter would be there ( which was clearly a lie lol but I had to get out the door.) I would leave and go back every single time. My emotions would get the best of me being there and walking away. I was an emotional wreck no matter how you looked at it. I was a fool. I was a fool for him and only him.There was no other way to say it, to put it. I was in-love with him. The thought of him, the idea of him. Just everything about him made me love him even the things I didn’t like I loved. I knew one day though this would be to much for him too and he would have to choose which way to go. He was stuck between his heart, head, the idea of me, and the history with her. He was trying hard to keep both of us as happy as possible without hurting either one of us. I loved him enough to want to see him happy, and although I knew he could be happy with me. I knew deep down no matter what happened, he loved her. No matter how bad it hurt me to admit it. I loved hi enough to set him free and well if he came back to me then that’s when I’d know it was meant to be. This time I didn’t go back, it hurt(s). I die everyday. I swear I hear him calling my name some days. I hear his little girl calling me mama. And sometimes Za’niyah still asks about them, just not as much (i’m thankful for that, it was a CONSTANT reminder.) I’ve taken this time to try and get over him, let him go. And some days I want to see him so bad, I want so bad to just go cry and say pick me, please, because I love you. Just straight beg! Then I snap back into reality and just go on with the day whether it’s faking a smile, laugh. Or faking really being interested in someone else. I’ve met a few people after him, there was only one that came half way to making me truly happy again. Then he just disappeared and honestly I was hurt by the situation but in my heart of hearts I didn’t care that he left. Just the way things happened. I still was struggling to not call him (P). So I wouldn’t call him anything at all sometimes. The rest of them… well they just weren’t him. They required to much of my energy to act like I was interested. The struggle of having to go over everything about myself, my likes, dislikes, just seemed to much for me to handle for the first time. He already knew those things.I finally found someone that resembled him, even had the same name, same build. He was just missing the daughter. Oh and the baby-mama drama(Which was a plus). I still found myself trying to talk myself into being interested. Then I found myself on the couch with y face in my hands, crying my eyes out because realization kicked in! Just because they resembled, had the same name etc.. He wasn’t him and never would be. I miss him everyday of my life. My mother and grandmother told me i’ll love someone else but i’ll never love anyone else like I loved him. They didn’t have to tell me that. I thought I loved a few until I met him. I realized what it meant to truly be in love. Some days it just drives me crazy. I’ve never cried so much in my life. I’m a fool. I’m only a fool for him though.

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