Burying my heart.

February 8th 2014
I found myself standing in Baltimore Washington Hospital putting on my mask to walk through the ICU doors to see the very man that raised me, When I heard sirens “CODE BLUE 289”. Phew he’s in room 279…No, he’s in 289. I stood crying,begging,and pushing at big wooden doors that would not open. Let me in I pleaded. Someone must have heard me. I’m not sure, but they opened them for me. I ran down the hall to find doctors surrounding him, one on top doing chest compressions and others just standing looking hopeful. I fought my way in, in to him because he will pull through for me. He’s done this so many times this time will NOT be different. “Just don’t get in his way I heard a nurse say.” He needs me. He’ll hear me. I watched, I cried, and they worked and they worked and they worked some more. I hear my aunt praying. I see my grandmother praying. What is that 0 for on the monitor? “oh they have a slight pulse” I finally hear a nurse say. It died back out. Bring in the paddles. 1 shock… 2 shocks…I screamed…”look he shocked Himself…look he did it again! nothing. Time? 12… What do you mean I screamed! YOU BETTER SAVE HIM. SAVE HIM HE’s THE ONLY DADDY I GOT! We tried…he hadn’t had oxygen for 25 minutes a doctor said as I pushed her hand away. I sat in a corner and I cried and I heard my aunt saying through tears “we have to be strong for grandma…get up kierra…get up.” I cant. As they removed the tubes I held his hand…I told him I loved him and I laid there and cried. I just want to remember his hands, how big, how strong, how rough and soft they were. How do I tell my mom? How do I do this? I have to do this. I pulled myself together the best that I could. I waited for her to step off the elevator and tears filled my eyes. “NO” as she ran to the room. And all I could think was “I was right there. I was right there at the doors and they would not open.” perhaps that’s what is haunting me. perhaps that’s what is eating my soul alive on the inside. I heard her scream. I will never hear another scream like that. ever. I held her. I rubbed her head. and for a moment I was strong. Telling her everything I thought she needed to hear. Yet believing in nothing I was saying. Because truthfully, it’s not going to be alright… it will NEVER be alright. It will only be dealt with. You will never forget, the days will just move on. The sun will rise, the sun will set, dark will fall and it will haunt you each and every day. Those sirens, those doctors, that last moment.
February 15th, 2014
I sat in the funeral looking at his pictures on the obituary wondering why he was up there, wondering why am I here and whom am I here for? When it was my turn I stood there looking at him, crying…”wake up granddaddy, someone wake him up. I love you. I love you so much.” why am I burying my granddaddy? my daddy. The man that loved me before I ever loved myself. The man that loved me at first sight, more than the woman that birth me and the man that made me. The man that put diet soda in my bottle every night after work “she was suckin air”, he’d say. The man that sent money faithfully every month to ensure I was taken care of. “The man that never forgot my birthday.The man that would say “goin wit me little woman?” “I go wit u da.” The man that was no more than the 2nd car picking me up from school, leaving 30 minutes early to ensure he was there ON TIME! How do I do this? How do I just not get in there with him? I sat at the site looking at his picture as people picked flowers like vulutures from the flower I had made specifically for him. it was my last gift to him. It had to be special. This is it, this is my “see you later” And on that sunny, windy day I buried my grandfather along with a part of my heart, my soul, a part of me. They may as well had buried me too. I’m smiling i’m laughing and there are moments where I forget. But there is no “normalcy” in my life anymore. I will never be “normal” again. I will never be able to shut out the events of those days. I will forever be reminded. But I will live. I will acknowledge that god makes NO mistakes. That just as we live we all must die. That it was not “goodbye” as there is no such thing as “goodbye” it is only “see you later” (my granddaddy taught us that). I will acknowledge that I did not just live for him. But for so many others than myself. Knowing that I have yet to fulfill my journey here. But knowing that when my book is done and my time is up he will be waiting for me. He will greet me and I will hug him forever I will never have to remember his hands because I will hold them forever when that day comes. But for now I live as how he’d want me too and I remember him forever.

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You Kicked Cancers A** Talia

Do you ever wonder what mark you will leave behind when you die? Who and how will people remember you? Did you live or simply exist? Ever since I heard about Talia Joy Castellano loosing her battle with cancer (nueroblastoma) I have been pondering these questions. She fought and kicked cancers ass for 6 long years. Much longer than some. It may seem as though she has lost her battle, but she hasn’t, and she won’t. Her soul may leave but she will live on. In my eyes she’s won her battle. She will do what we all have to do. “Just as we live we shall die, it’s the circle of life”-talia. When she leaves this world, it will owe her nothing, she has come to do what she was meant to do. I just hate she had to go through all of this to achieve what god had set for her to accomplish. Sometimes I wonder why, why bring someone here that has to suffer? But isn’t that the human side of me? We aren’t always able to comprehend these things. And if you are raised in church you are taught to not question god… But we do anyway. We’re human and he forgives us. Talia lived, she will forever live. She will always be an inspiration to me and so many others. In her final moments I hope and pray she has peace and comfort. She feels the love surrounding her and remembers that she didnt loose this battle… She kicked cancers ass. Her soul may leave but her message lives on. Her life wasn’t always as beautiful as she was but it was beautiful just the same. What i will take from following some of her fight is to not feel sorry for myself no matter what situation I’m put in, to just keep swimming. I’m sure her next life will be so much more beautiful than this life. She’ll be beautiful forever with no pain. That must seem like a nice thought for her right now. Used to finding nemo was just some kiddie movie that I could 1. Never watch all the way through 2. Never find the moral in. Now I watch it an it has meaning, I think of talia, I can now find the moral of the story and I have her to thank for that. “Just keep swimming” kid “just keep swimming”.

I’m A Fool…Only For You!

For the last year I was with a guy and his daughter. What’s the problem with that? Oh nothing more than he was living with his baby-mama. Judge me, call me stupid, call me a hoe, call me a slut, a mistress, the “other” girl, a home wrecker. Trust me i’ve heard them all before and i’ve felt like every one of those and then some.You aren’t in my shoes today, doesn’t mean you won’t be in my shoes some day. Trust me I never thought I would ever be in the shoes i’m in today.  I never thought I could even love a man like I did him. period. Let’s clear one thing up first (I HAD NEVER BEEN WITH ANYONE THAT I KNEW WAS WITH ANYONE ELSE BEFORE). In fact I looked down on those type of women/men. Never in a million years did I think it would be me. Never in a million years did I think I would ever love anyone like I did him. However I knew the moment I stood at his door and he smiled he would break my heart, he would be the one I would love and it would hurt. He was my heart-breaker. Never in a million,billion,trillion years did I think it would hurt this bad though. October 8, 2011. I stood at his door with no more than a smile introducing myself. With the thought “he has a babymama, I respect that.” I did, I do respect it. I listened to him, and I had proof of the unhappiness that occured with their relationship. I knew his circumstances. I saw them first hand myself (I’m one of those I believe it when I see it type of people). I got all the promises. Heard out all his dreams. He spent many days, many nights with me. I played with him and his daughter I loved watching them together. We even discussed more kids.But even though I could see the unhappiness that would occur, the big ass fights, arguments etc. There was still a sense of guilt that I carried around. I knew what it felt like to be cheated on, lied to. I knew that reguardless of how she was, who she was it would still hurt. I was stuck between my heart and head. I was stuck between the love I had for him and his little girl and the burden I carried with me everyday. I was also growing tired of the judgmental statements made towards me, I was tired of the broken promises. This was clearly not a roll I was meant to play. I was accustomed to being the one lied to, the “other girl” was the one on the other end of my phone telling me who the hell she was. And NO ONE knew how much I hated it, how much I hated that I loved him, how bad I felt. How guilty I felt, how many nights I cried, how many times I just wanted to be done but I loved them to much. I missed them to much when I was gone. Even ZI was asking for his daughter and about him. The only way she would even go to church one Sunday was because I told her his daughter would be there ( which was clearly a lie lol but I had to get out the door.) I would leave and go back every single time. My emotions would get the best of me being there and walking away. I was an emotional wreck no matter how you looked at it. I was a fool. I was a fool for him and only him.There was no other way to say it, to put it. I was in-love with him. The thought of him, the idea of him. Just everything about him made me love him even the things I didn’t like I loved. I knew one day though this would be to much for him too and he would have to choose which way to go. He was stuck between his heart, head, the idea of me, and the history with her. He was trying hard to keep both of us as happy as possible without hurting either one of us. I loved him enough to want to see him happy, and although I knew he could be happy with me. I knew deep down no matter what happened, he loved her. No matter how bad it hurt me to admit it. I loved hi enough to set him free and well if he came back to me then that’s when I’d know it was meant to be. This time I didn’t go back, it hurt(s). I die everyday. I swear I hear him calling my name some days. I hear his little girl calling me mama. And sometimes Za’niyah still asks about them, just not as much (i’m thankful for that, it was a CONSTANT reminder.) I’ve taken this time to try and get over him, let him go. And some days I want to see him so bad, I want so bad to just go cry and say pick me, please, because I love you. Just straight beg! Then I snap back into reality and just go on with the day whether it’s faking a smile, laugh. Or faking really being interested in someone else. I’ve met a few people after him, there was only one that came half way to making me truly happy again. Then he just disappeared and honestly I was hurt by the situation but in my heart of hearts I didn’t care that he left. Just the way things happened. I still was struggling to not call him (P). So I wouldn’t call him anything at all sometimes. The rest of them… well they just weren’t him. They required to much of my energy to act like I was interested. The struggle of having to go over everything about myself, my likes, dislikes, just seemed to much for me to handle for the first time. He already knew those things.I finally found someone that resembled him, even had the same name, same build. He was just missing the daughter. Oh and the baby-mama drama(Which was a plus). I still found myself trying to talk myself into being interested. Then I found myself on the couch with y face in my hands, crying my eyes out because realization kicked in! Just because they resembled, had the same name etc.. He wasn’t him and never would be. I miss him everyday of my life. My mother and grandmother told me i’ll love someone else but i’ll never love anyone else like I loved him. They didn’t have to tell me that. I thought I loved a few until I met him. I realized what it meant to truly be in love. Some days it just drives me crazy. I’ve never cried so much in my life. I’m a fool. I’m only a fool for him though.

All That Remains Is A Memory

I can’t feel my feet, they’re on the ground but I can’t feel them. My world has shattered, crashed, and burned right into a sea of tears since you’ve been gone. Since I last heard your voice, called your name felt any piece of you at all. Since your little girl has ran up to hug me, call me mama. I still hear the both of you in my dreams. I can’t cry because the tears won’t fall and my breathing is faint. I lost you and I’m so lost without you here. I know what I need to do. I need to let you go, because “if it’s meant to be it will be no matter what” at least that’s what I was taught. I was also taught that “anything worth having is worth fighting for.” But I don’t want to fight for you and you not fight back so I just sit. Sometimes I just feel as though the only battle here is the battle between my heart and tears and trust me they’re on the opposing team! I linger around in confusion, my heart and head are stuck in a world pool of emotions.I feel like i’m stuck in a maze and I can’t find my way out. I see my heart waiting where you dropped it off at. I can’t get to it, but it belongs to you anyway. The pain is killing me, I never knew it would hurt this bad. I wasn’t prepared, I loved you. I love you and how could I ever prepare myself to loose the one I love? How do you prepare for that? If you were here I’d tell you i’m sorry for it all, I’m sorry for all the things I said to you out of anger, out of hurt. I would never say them if  you were here now. I would do some things different. I feel like i’m falling off a cliff and I just want to hit the ground, because i’m tired of falling now. I’m tired of the wondering when the fall will just end, the ground seems as though it’s moving further away. At least that’s how my pain feels, never ending. I’m done with the book but I just can’t seem to close it. I keep re-reading the last chapter over and over again. I’m just not ready to be done yet. I want a sequel to my book and I want it to be happily ever after at the end.I want my ending to end with you and I. My heart breaks everyday. It’s like it repairs itself and breaks all over again the next day. It’s been a while now and I thought that by now my tears would have dried. But they’re still falling, I’m still saddened by the mention of your name. I’m still trying to fill the void of you and the kids not being here. I’m still trying to forget, hoping that if I forget I won’t have to deal with the memory. I thought of getting (skinny minnie) for Halloween so that she could trick or treat with zaniyah. I decided against it, I figured maybe it’s best that she never even remember me. Never even know I existed, i’ll soon become no more than a memory and she will one day no longer call me ma or cry to leave me. She won’t even run to me i’ll become a stranger and maybe it’s better that way. Remember last year? They were suppose to go together but it rained so I just bought a big bag of candy and split it between them. The next morning all they wanted was candy! The screams, the laughter,  a few tears never even phased us. I walked in your house to prove that you didn’t need to leave your doors unlocked since you believed you were “safe.” This year was different though and although I enjoyed watching her have fun, there was a sense of sadness, loneliness. I took her alone, I went back home to no one. To an empty house, no smiles, no laughs. Just  my tears, all that remains is my pain and memories. My heart was the one thing that didn’t change in this. The one thing that remains the same is my love for you. I just want someone to wake me up and say “Kierra you were having a dream.” All that remains of us is a memory.

Just Take The Test😁!

Well with a missing cycle I’ve decided I need to take a pregnancy test! However I hate those things… Hoping for that “positive” sign and being disappointed when it’s not is never fun. However I think it’s time! In one more week I will be testing. 😳😥😓

Mornings+Birds= No Toddler

No work today… However I will be with my aunt and little cousins! We are taking them to see birds… And although I really wanted to bring zi along im afraid the crowd will overwhelm her and she will most likely be afraid. Although we she loves Donatello he is ours and these animals are strange lol. So she will miss this trip:(. Plus holding an extra 30lbs. The whole time Will not work out so much lol.
On another note: IM IN NEED OF A COFFEE!! Yes Starbucks, McDonald’s one of you will see my face in a few minutes:)!

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I love this…

While we cook she is watching cartoons on the laptop. (Yes we have cable) she just wants to be in the kitchen with us:). I’m living on 4hours of sleep. Tea and Pepsi… Oh and a bossy toddler. Would I trade it? Nahhhh not for the world:)! Wish him and his daughter was here:(. Other than the fact zi would love it. I miss him.

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