Burying my heart.

February 8th 2014
I found myself standing in Baltimore Washington Hospital putting on my mask to walk through the ICU doors to see the very man that raised me, When I heard sirens “CODE BLUE 289”. Phew he’s in room 279…No, he’s in 289. I stood crying,begging,and pushing at big wooden doors that would not open. Let me in I pleaded. Someone must have heard me. I’m not sure, but they opened them for me. I ran down the hall to find doctors surrounding him, one on top doing chest compressions and others just standing looking hopeful. I fought my way in, in to him because he will pull through for me. He’s done this so many times this time will NOT be different. “Just don’t get in his way I heard a nurse say.” He needs me. He’ll hear me. I watched, I cried, and they worked and they worked and they worked some more. I hear my aunt praying. I see my grandmother praying. What is that 0 for on the monitor? “oh they have a slight pulse” I finally hear a nurse say. It died back out. Bring in the paddles. 1 shock… 2 shocks…I screamed…”look he shocked Himself…look he did it again! nothing. Time? 12… What do you mean I screamed! YOU BETTER SAVE HIM. SAVE HIM HE’s THE ONLY DADDY I GOT! We tried…he hadn’t had oxygen for 25 minutes a doctor said as I pushed her hand away. I sat in a corner and I cried and I heard my aunt saying through tears “we have to be strong for grandma…get up kierra…get up.” I cant. As they removed the tubes I held his hand…I told him I loved him and I laid there and cried. I just want to remember his hands, how big, how strong, how rough and soft they were. How do I tell my mom? How do I do this? I have to do this. I pulled myself together the best that I could. I waited for her to step off the elevator and tears filled my eyes. “NO” as she ran to the room. And all I could think was “I was right there. I was right there at the doors and they would not open.” perhaps that’s what is haunting me. perhaps that’s what is eating my soul alive on the inside. I heard her scream. I will never hear another scream like that. ever. I held her. I rubbed her head. and for a moment I was strong. Telling her everything I thought she needed to hear. Yet believing in nothing I was saying. Because truthfully, it’s not going to be alright… it will NEVER be alright. It will only be dealt with. You will never forget, the days will just move on. The sun will rise, the sun will set, dark will fall and it will haunt you each and every day. Those sirens, those doctors, that last moment.
February 15th, 2014
I sat in the funeral looking at his pictures on the obituary wondering why he was up there, wondering why am I here and whom am I here for? When it was my turn I stood there looking at him, crying…”wake up granddaddy, someone wake him up. I love you. I love you so much.” why am I burying my granddaddy? my daddy. The man that loved me before I ever loved myself. The man that loved me at first sight, more than the woman that birth me and the man that made me. The man that put diet soda in my bottle every night after work “she was suckin air”, he’d say. The man that sent money faithfully every month to ensure I was taken care of. “The man that never forgot my birthday.The man that would say “goin wit me little woman?” “I go wit u da.” The man that was no more than the 2nd car picking me up from school, leaving 30 minutes early to ensure he was there ON TIME! How do I do this? How do I just not get in there with him? I sat at the site looking at his picture as people picked flowers like vulutures from the flower I had made specifically for him. it was my last gift to him. It had to be special. This is it, this is my “see you later” And on that sunny, windy day I buried my grandfather along with a part of my heart, my soul, a part of me. They may as well had buried me too. I’m smiling i’m laughing and there are moments where I forget. But there is no “normalcy” in my life anymore. I will never be “normal” again. I will never be able to shut out the events of those days. I will forever be reminded. But I will live. I will acknowledge that god makes NO mistakes. That just as we live we all must die. That it was not “goodbye” as there is no such thing as “goodbye” it is only “see you later” (my granddaddy taught us that). I will acknowledge that I did not just live for him. But for so many others than myself. Knowing that I have yet to fulfill my journey here. But knowing that when my book is done and my time is up he will be waiting for me. He will greet me and I will hug him forever I will never have to remember his hands because I will hold them forever when that day comes. But for now I live as how he’d want me too and I remember him forever.

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You Kicked Cancers A** Talia

Do you ever wonder what mark you will leave behind when you die? Who and how will people remember you? Did you live or simply exist? Ever since I heard about Talia Joy Castellano loosing her battle with cancer (nueroblastoma) I have been pondering these questions. She fought and kicked cancers ass for 6 long years. Much longer than some. It may seem as though she has lost her battle, but she hasn’t, and she won’t. Her soul may leave but she will live on. In my eyes she’s won her battle. She will do what we all have to do. “Just as we live we shall die, it’s the circle of life”-talia. When she leaves this world, it will owe her nothing, she has come to do what she was meant to do. I just hate she had to go through all of this to achieve what god had set for her to accomplish. Sometimes I wonder why, why bring someone here that has to suffer? But isn’t that the human side of me? We aren’t always able to comprehend these things. And if you are raised in church you are taught to not question god… But we do anyway. We’re human and he forgives us. Talia lived, she will forever live. She will always be an inspiration to me and so many others. In her final moments I hope and pray she has peace and comfort. She feels the love surrounding her and remembers that she didnt loose this battle… She kicked cancers ass. Her soul may leave but her message lives on. Her life wasn’t always as beautiful as she was but it was beautiful just the same. What i will take from following some of her fight is to not feel sorry for myself no matter what situation I’m put in, to just keep swimming. I’m sure her next life will be so much more beautiful than this life. She’ll be beautiful forever with no pain. That must seem like a nice thought for her right now. Used to finding nemo was just some kiddie movie that I could 1. Never watch all the way through 2. Never find the moral in. Now I watch it an it has meaning, I think of talia, I can now find the moral of the story and I have her to thank for that. “Just keep swimming” kid “just keep swimming”.

Mornings+Birds= No Toddler

No work today… However I will be with my aunt and little cousins! We are taking them to see birds… And although I really wanted to bring zi along im afraid the crowd will overwhelm her and she will most likely be afraid. Although we she loves Donatello he is ours and these animals are strange lol. So she will miss this trip:(. Plus holding an extra 30lbs. The whole time Will not work out so much lol.
On another note: IM IN NEED OF A COFFEE!! Yes Starbucks, McDonald’s one of you will see my face in a few minutes:)!

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I love this…

While we cook she is watching cartoons on the laptop. (Yes we have cable) she just wants to be in the kitchen with us:). I’m living on 4hours of sleep. Tea and Pepsi… Oh and a bossy toddler. Would I trade it? Nahhhh not for the world:)! Wish him and his daughter was here:(. Other than the fact zi would love it. I miss him.

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Respiratory Di(stress), and Things

Today is just one of those days! Piles or shall I say mountains of clothes need to be washed, dried, and folded. Another load of dishes need to be washed. Tables need to be dusted, the animals cage need to be cleaned and beds need to be made. And I feel lonely! Zi isn’t here and I miss those little toes right now and her willingness to help. However those little legs will be running through here again tomorrow and I honestly cant wait! My little khy’marrii went into respiratory distress today, that call almost caused an emotional melt down. He’s to young to go through this ='(. Waiting for some good news to go see my little guy! Smh it just never ends. I need a red bull and Starbucks to finish this day!

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20120607-160811.jpg get well soon little man we love you!

There is a “New Baby” in the house

Tonight is our first night with little khy’marrii. I knew his mommy probably needed a break, and she had to attend her night class. So after work we headed to go get the little guy. At first I was kind of out of the swing of things I guess you can say. I mean Za’niyah is 3 1/2. Lol. However I have picked it right back up! This little guy just gives me” baby fever” all over again!! Babies are such a blessing to have. Hard work? Yes. Tiring? yes. However if you think those 2 hour feedings are horrible! Try those toddler years, and by me working with ages k-8 as well, I see “OH IT REALLY NEVER DOES GET EASIER!” lol Well off I go, there are more things to be done!

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Breaking Hearts…

When someone ask’s me why do I love you? I simply smile and say I love you for who you are. I don’t feel as though I need a long list or explanation for loving you or anyone for that matter. Sometimes you are not always the person I thought you were and sometimes you are more than I expected you to be. However this is not healthy for me emotionally. I realize that, yet I do nothing to prevent it. Why? because I guess I just keep hoping, I just keep praying that one day this will get better. Yet everytime you come back and walk away i’m left with the pieces to pick back up. Sometimes I think you have good intentions and you don’t always mean to give me false hope and false dreams. I believe that at the moment you mean it and somewhere down the road you forget what you promised, you forget what you said, you forget about my heart. When someone asks me what do I see in you? I simply smile and say I see everything he has potential to be, I see all the things he can do. I see all the things he will do one day, just give him a little time. However I wonder how much more time can I spare? Right now I see all you can do, I also see all the things you don’t seem to be willing to do. And where there is a will there is a way, but without the will you won’t make a way. When I first met you I was under the impression that things were much different than they really are. Yet I still stuck around. I still stick around. Right now, I just feel stupid. I feel as though I’ve went beyond loving you, now i’m just being stupid for you. You leave and go back, I wait until the next time which won’t be to far off from now. Sure enough you come back angry, and broken again. Yet I take you back in making sure you are okay, making sure you have what you need. How much longer can I do this? Because everytime zi ask me why can’t she go play with your daughter I can’t really find the words. She can’t understand why she can’t see her friend right now, why she see’s her in pictures but not in person. I miss her myself. Sometimes I wonder why is it so hard to be good to the person that loves you, the one that doesn’t cause all the drama in your life, the one that takes you reguardless, the one that literally loves you no matter what you do,the one that wants to help you. Then again how come I can’t seem to love the one’s thats good to me? Instead I take you back in everytime, I rather loose them than loose you, I rather satisfy you than the one’s I know would give a good life. It’s not about what you have, it’s not about what you don’t have. People ask me whats the point? I can’t give them an answer because I don’t have one. I sit and listen to you, I encourage you and for a moment you see what i’m saying, you agree and yet you put your blinders right back on. I do the same eveytime you pop back up. I listen to you and try not to even take what you say to heart because I know in the end you only let me down, yet I put my blinders back on block out what my head is telling me and listen to my heart and use the excuse “I love him.” I remember when your cousin looked at me and said “damn girl your eyes smile when you see him.” My heart smiles, and breaks at the same time. It must be the toughest muscle I have because as much as it has been let down it seems to be able to take a little more each time. Yet I don’t think you treat me that bad. Even that part confuses me. I guess because when you are with me you treat me like every girl/woman wants to be treated. I was told I was to sweet for you, I was told I deserve better than you. I deserve the one I care about, the one I love and I deserve you. I just tell them what I put up with is my business, what we do is our business. Yet deep down I know I deserve someone that treats me right, I deserve someone that will stick to their word, I deserve to be there only one. Yet I want you because I do love you, because I only want you. Because i’m only willing to do half the stuff for others than I’m willing to do for you. I don’t want to picture life without you being apart of it.  Sometimes I’m not sure if I have a choice in the matter though.