Do you ever wonder what mark you will leave behind when you die? Who and how will people remember you? Did you live or simply exist? Ever since I heard about Talia Joy Castellano loosing her battle with cancer (nueroblastoma) I have been pondering these questions. She fought and kicked cancers ass for 6 long years. Much longer than some. It may seem as though she has lost her battle, but she hasn’t, and she won’t. Her soul may leave but she will live on. In my eyes she’s won her battle. She will do what we all have to do. “Just as we live we shall die, it’s the circle of life”-talia. When she leaves this world, it will owe her nothing, she has come to do what she was meant to do. I just hate she had to go through all of this to achieve what god had set for her to accomplish. Sometimes I wonder why, why bring someone here that has to suffer? But isn’t that the human side of me? We aren’t always able to comprehend these things. And if you are raised in church you are taught to not question god… But we do anyway. We’re human and he forgives us. Talia lived, she will forever live. She will always be an inspiration to me and so many others. In her final moments I hope and pray she has peace and comfort. She feels the love surrounding her and remembers that she didnt loose this battle… She kicked cancers ass. Her soul may leave but her message lives on. Her life wasn’t always as beautiful as she was but it was beautiful just the same. What i will take from following some of her fight is to not feel sorry for myself no matter what situation I’m put in, to just keep swimming. I’m sure her next life will be so much more beautiful than this life. She’ll be beautiful forever with no pain. That must seem like a nice thought for her right now. Used to finding nemo was just some kiddie movie that I could 1. Never watch all the way through 2. Never find the moral in. Now I watch it an it has meaning, I think of talia, I can now find the moral of the story and I have her to thank for that. “Just keep swimming” kid “just keep swimming”.
Whole family Up early this morning. Awards day, graduations! Why can’t schools scatter these things out?! Work extra early(but thank god i have a job so no complaints that way). However I love these moments. I know when zi gets these things one day, I’ll cry a river! Yes. Don’t judge me. I’m a little emotional. Congrats Caleb, Quavez, kelina and to all my kids I work with that are receiving awards and are graduating! We are so proud of you all!
Before work I went On a mini shopping spree for zi! Pajamas,clothes, even bought her a pool! Seems like everyone wears her size in flip flops today!
When someone ask’s me why do I love you? I simply smile and say I love you for who you are. I don’t feel as though I need a long list or explanation for loving you or anyone for that matter. Sometimes you are not always the person I thought you were and sometimes you are more than I expected you to be. However this is not healthy for me emotionally. I realize that, yet I do nothing to prevent it. Why? because I guess I just keep hoping, I just keep praying that one day this will get better. Yet everytime you come back and walk away i’m left with the pieces to pick back up. Sometimes I think you have good intentions and you don’t always mean to give me false hope and false dreams. I believe that at the moment you mean it and somewhere down the road you forget what you promised, you forget what you said, you forget about my heart. When someone asks me what do I see in you? I simply smile and say I see everything he has potential to be, I see all the things he can do. I see all the things he will do one day, just give him a little time. However I wonder how much more time can I spare? Right now I see all you can do, I also see all the things you don’t seem to be willing to do. And where there is a will there is a way, but without the will you won’t make a way. When I first met you I was under the impression that things were much different than they really are. Yet I still stuck around. I still stick around. Right now, I just feel stupid. I feel as though I’ve went beyond loving you, now i’m just being stupid for you. You leave and go back, I wait until the next time which won’t be to far off from now. Sure enough you come back angry, and broken again. Yet I take you back in making sure you are okay, making sure you have what you need. How much longer can I do this? Because everytime zi ask me why can’t she go play with your daughter I can’t really find the words. She can’t understand why she can’t see her friend right now, why she see’s her in pictures but not in person. I miss her myself. Sometimes I wonder why is it so hard to be good to the person that loves you, the one that doesn’t cause all the drama in your life, the one that takes you reguardless, the one that literally loves you no matter what you do,the one that wants to help you. Then again how come I can’t seem to love the one’s thats good to me? Instead I take you back in everytime, I rather loose them than loose you, I rather satisfy you than the one’s I know would give a good life. It’s not about what you have, it’s not about what you don’t have. People ask me whats the point? I can’t give them an answer because I don’t have one. I sit and listen to you, I encourage you and for a moment you see what i’m saying, you agree and yet you put your blinders right back on. I do the same eveytime you pop back up. I listen to you and try not to even take what you say to heart because I know in the end you only let me down, yet I put my blinders back on block out what my head is telling me and listen to my heart and use the excuse “I love him.” I remember when your cousin looked at me and said “damn girl your eyes smile when you see him.” My heart smiles, and breaks at the same time. It must be the toughest muscle I have because as much as it has been let down it seems to be able to take a little more each time. Yet I don’t think you treat me that bad. Even that part confuses me. I guess because when you are with me you treat me like every girl/woman wants to be treated. I was told I was to sweet for you, I was told I deserve better than you. I deserve the one I care about, the one I love and I deserve you. I just tell them what I put up with is my business, what we do is our business. Yet deep down I know I deserve someone that treats me right, I deserve someone that will stick to their word, I deserve to be there only one. Yet I want you because I do love you, because I only want you. Because i’m only willing to do half the stuff for others than I’m willing to do for you. I don’t want to picture life without you being apart of it. Sometimes I’m not sure if I have a choice in the matter though.
“Lord I can’t say it in words… So can
you please just listen through my heart” -unknown
Thats all I can say. It’s all I have in me right now. Life is draining!
Every school in the county/city was there! However Quavez (Little cousin) was the honored athlete and got to light the torch!!! He’s even in the newspaper today:)!
I think she underestimated his ability to throw! Haha the kid can throw a ball!
He loved the bubbles and so did his friend he thought they were “Cool” he told quavez mom (black jacket)