Do you ever wonder what mark you will leave behind when you die? Who and how will people remember you? Did you live or simply exist? Ever since I heard about Talia Joy Castellano loosing her battle with cancer (nueroblastoma) I have been pondering these questions. She fought and kicked cancers ass for 6 long years. Much longer than some. It may seem as though she has lost her battle, but she hasn’t, and she won’t. Her soul may leave but she will live on. In my eyes she’s won her battle. She will do what we all have to do. “Just as we live we shall die, it’s the circle of life”-talia. When she leaves this world, it will owe her nothing, she has come to do what she was meant to do. I just hate she had to go through all of this to achieve what god had set for her to accomplish. Sometimes I wonder why, why bring someone here that has to suffer? But isn’t that the human side of me? We aren’t always able to comprehend these things. And if you are raised in church you are taught to not question god… But we do anyway. We’re human and he forgives us. Talia lived, she will forever live. She will always be an inspiration to me and so many others. In her final moments I hope and pray she has peace and comfort. She feels the love surrounding her and remembers that she didnt loose this battle… She kicked cancers ass. Her soul may leave but her message lives on. Her life wasn’t always as beautiful as she was but it was beautiful just the same. What i will take from following some of her fight is to not feel sorry for myself no matter what situation I’m put in, to just keep swimming. I’m sure her next life will be so much more beautiful than this life. She’ll be beautiful forever with no pain. That must seem like a nice thought for her right now. Used to finding nemo was just some kiddie movie that I could 1. Never watch all the way through 2. Never find the moral in. Now I watch it an it has meaning, I think of talia, I can now find the moral of the story and I have her to thank for that. “Just keep swimming” kid “just keep swimming”.
While we cook she is watching cartoons on the laptop. (Yes we have cable) she just wants to be in the kitchen with us:). I’m living on 4hours of sleep. Tea and Pepsi… Oh and a bossy toddler. Would I trade it? Nahhhh not for the world:)! Wish him and his daughter was here:(. Other than the fact zi would love it. I miss him.
Today is just one of those days! Piles or shall I say mountains of clothes need to be washed, dried, and folded. Another load of dishes need to be washed. Tables need to be dusted, the animals cage need to be cleaned and beds need to be made. And I feel lonely! Zi isn’t here and I miss those little toes right now and her willingness to help. However those little legs will be running through here again tomorrow and I honestly cant wait! My little khy’marrii went into respiratory distress today, that call almost caused an emotional melt down. He’s to young to go through this ='(. Waiting for some good news to go see my little guy! Smh it just never ends. I need a red bull and Starbucks to finish this day!
Whole family Up early this morning. Awards day, graduations! Why can’t schools scatter these things out?! Work extra early(but thank god i have a job so no complaints that way). However I love these moments. I know when zi gets these things one day, I’ll cry a river! Yes. Don’t judge me. I’m a little emotional. Congrats Caleb, Quavez, kelina and to all my kids I work with that are receiving awards and are graduating! We are so proud of you all!
Before work I went On a mini shopping spree for zi! Pajamas,clothes, even bought her a pool! Seems like everyone wears her size in flip flops today!
When someone ask’s me why do I love you? I simply smile and say I love you for who you are. I don’t feel as though I need a long list or explanation for loving you or anyone for that matter. Sometimes you are not always the person I thought you were and sometimes you are more than I expected you to be. However this is not healthy for me emotionally. I realize that, yet I do nothing to prevent it. Why? because I guess I just keep hoping, I just keep praying that one day this will get better. Yet everytime you come back and walk away i’m left with the pieces to pick back up. Sometimes I think you have good intentions and you don’t always mean to give me false hope and false dreams. I believe that at the moment you mean it and somewhere down the road you forget what you promised, you forget what you said, you forget about my heart. When someone asks me what do I see in you? I simply smile and say I see everything he has potential to be, I see all the things he can do. I see all the things he will do one day, just give him a little time. However I wonder how much more time can I spare? Right now I see all you can do, I also see all the things you don’t seem to be willing to do. And where there is a will there is a way, but without the will you won’t make a way. When I first met you I was under the impression that things were much different than they really are. Yet I still stuck around. I still stick around. Right now, I just feel stupid. I feel as though I’ve went beyond loving you, now i’m just being stupid for you. You leave and go back, I wait until the next time which won’t be to far off from now. Sure enough you come back angry, and broken again. Yet I take you back in making sure you are okay, making sure you have what you need. How much longer can I do this? Because everytime zi ask me why can’t she go play with your daughter I can’t really find the words. She can’t understand why she can’t see her friend right now, why she see’s her in pictures but not in person. I miss her myself. Sometimes I wonder why is it so hard to be good to the person that loves you, the one that doesn’t cause all the drama in your life, the one that takes you reguardless, the one that literally loves you no matter what you do,the one that wants to help you. Then again how come I can’t seem to love the one’s thats good to me? Instead I take you back in everytime, I rather loose them than loose you, I rather satisfy you than the one’s I know would give a good life. It’s not about what you have, it’s not about what you don’t have. People ask me whats the point? I can’t give them an answer because I don’t have one. I sit and listen to you, I encourage you and for a moment you see what i’m saying, you agree and yet you put your blinders right back on. I do the same eveytime you pop back up. I listen to you and try not to even take what you say to heart because I know in the end you only let me down, yet I put my blinders back on block out what my head is telling me and listen to my heart and use the excuse “I love him.” I remember when your cousin looked at me and said “damn girl your eyes smile when you see him.” My heart smiles, and breaks at the same time. It must be the toughest muscle I have because as much as it has been let down it seems to be able to take a little more each time. Yet I don’t think you treat me that bad. Even that part confuses me. I guess because when you are with me you treat me like every girl/woman wants to be treated. I was told I was to sweet for you, I was told I deserve better than you. I deserve the one I care about, the one I love and I deserve you. I just tell them what I put up with is my business, what we do is our business. Yet deep down I know I deserve someone that treats me right, I deserve someone that will stick to their word, I deserve to be there only one. Yet I want you because I do love you, because I only want you. Because i’m only willing to do half the stuff for others than I’m willing to do for you. I don’t want to picture life without you being apart of it. Sometimes I’m not sure if I have a choice in the matter though.
There will come a time when she won’t run into my arms to be picked up. There will come a time when she will not want to be held. There will come a time when she won’t come get in my lap to watch tv with her sippy cup. As Zi get’s older I see her personality come together. I see her stubborness when I tell her to hand me something that she can’t have, or tell her to do something that she doesn’t want to do as she just stands there and look at me refusing. I see her goofiness as she runs and laughs, and loves to try and scare me or play a joke. I recognize her becoming more and more independent as she wants to give herself a bath, pick out her own outfit, and even put her own clothes and shoes on. There will come a day when she will fix her own plate, put on her own clothes, stand in the mirror for hours to make sure she looks perfect. She will have a real boyfriend, She will drive and will not want to be my little shadow anymore. Doll’s and minnie mouse scooters will be traded for cell phones and cars, computers and music devices, A bedtime story will be traded for a phone call with her friends. 3 1/2 years ago that seemed sooo far. Now looking at her I realize it’s not that far away at all, it never was. And although my patience may grow thin having her sometimes, I wouldn’t trade her for nothing and I love her unconditionally and there is no one or nothing in this world that will or could ever change that!
So if you have children, or a child, godchildren, or are caring for a child period. When you go home today or the next time you have them be sure to embrace that tantrum, because one day it will be replaced by a door slam, or a eye-roll. Instead of taking that phone call sit down and play with them, hug them, kiss them while you can because one day they will walk out the door with a simple “Mom/Dad i’m leaving”, or a simple “Bye.” Instead of putting them in bed and closing the door hold them tonight until they fall asleep because it won’t last forever one day you will go in their room and they will already be sleep without a goodnight! Embrace the cry over a broken toy because one day it will be over a broken heart and you won’t be able to replace that, or fix it with a simple hug. And that day will come when you look back on pictures of them being small wondering where in the world did the time go.
So time magazine was talking about co-sleeping “attachment parenting” and breast feeding! As if you don’t hear enough controversy about it. Let’s quote a few things ive heard “it’s gross” “it’s unnatural” “it’s not normal” “it shouldn’t be allowed in public”. First off how can something so natural be unnatural? I don’t find it gross I digest my food just fine:) I’m delighted that the kid gets to eat while I eat lol. (besides these days you see more boobs popped out on tv! Now lets talk about Not being natural! Bet you dont see a Problem with that) at least with breastfeeding it’s helping him or her grow! And time here you come! Adding fuel to the fire, so what if someone breastfeeds over what YOU think is unnatural! No one asked what you thought! Parenting is a job that will have you doing a lot of things you never saw yourself doing! My mother co slept with me as well as my brother. So did my grandparents! We co slept with zi and she still does at 3! Yes she can fall asleep on her own and yes she is getting her own bed soon. Tell me something Dr. Sears since you know it all, do you know what it’s like at 3 a.m walking down a hall to a crib where your kid is sleeping, all while seeing doubles because you are barely living off a few hours of sleep?, do you know what it’s like to have a fear of SIDS?, or to have an infant that is sick or has a low immune system and their mothers milk can help strengthen their immune system?, do you know what it’s like to look down at those little faces while they are sleeping/eating and how precious that moment is (that’s right it’s precious at 2,3,4,5,1000!)?? The thing that angers me the most is most of the people that write these articles don’t have children of their own or have been exposed to children outside of “observation”. And observation and actually being apart of a little human life that needs you are two different things! So who are you to tell a mom what she is or isn’t doing is right or wrong!? There are no solutions to parenting because each child is different! As you learn your child you learn what works for you and your child to get through! Every mama is mama enough! She’s mama enough because she loves her baby not because she breastfeeds them until age 6 or not! Not because she chooses cloth diapers or not. Not because her kid is 5 sleeping with her! It’s because she is their mama, she loves them, they love her, shes doing what she finds best for her kids and that’s all that matters! Forget time magazine! Along with dr. Sears and if you do have kids dr. Sears, I’m sure they have some bonding issues!
(100 calorie bread, turkey, and kiwi)
Dealing with weight issues nearly all my life (except for the moment i was born at 4lbs 15oz dropping to 4lbs. 7oz), I decided to go on this health kick! You know, excersise, better eating habits.. the basics! Why? because I have a desire to live longer (yes I know some people do what they think is right all their lives and still die young etc..But i’d rather die doing what I thought was best than die and it be my own fault) besides that I would like to remain diabeties, high blood pressure,and heart attack free. I’ve been to so many nutristionist it’s far from funny, so I know what to do and what not to do… I just never really did it before. This time though, I’m determined. Unlike those unfortunate people that its really hard for them to loose weight, its not that way for me at all. It’s just hard to STICK to the diet. I also find it so important for kids to be healthy. There’s nothing that I hate more than to see an overweight child that people find funny, cute, and they have mounds of food on their plate. It bothers me personally because that kid was me, at that point its not the childs fault it’s the parents fault! This leads to adulthood (unless that kid finds something wrong with their lifestyle and changes it). It’s no longer funny when its hard for them to find clothes, or walk, or you have to prick their little fingers, or other kids are teasing them to no end because they can’t keep up, and for (women) it can also affect you from being able to conceive(thats right for those of you who didn’t know, it may not be your ovaries or your husbands sperm. So stop blaming that poor man lol! It could be your weight). If your child has a medical condition or are on some type of medication that causes them to gain weight, that is COMPLETELY understandable. I don’t allow zi (or any other kid that steps foot in this camp) to eat that way around here, yes she gets a peanut butter and jelly, mcdonalds, and pizza. However her pizza is cut like a child, portioned like a child, and grapes or something healthy usually go along with it. What kid doesn’t love mcdonalds, but its usually if i hear the *I’m hungry* and we are on the move (she eats when she says she hungry only, unless she just ate)! She is a really good eater and not that picky, she will try ALMOST anything which makes it easy to feed her. She likes Broccoli *I found that out a few weeks ago when putting it on her plate for the first time.* She also loves to be outdoors which is great!
Yes I understand that there are thin people who are unhealthy. And all sizes are beautiful, I won’t love myself any less, or any more being skinny or plus size! Image is not what it’s about, numbers aren’t what it’s about. It’s about trying to be as healthy as possible and trying to do what’s right. Not only for you, but for your kids, or future kids to (You have to start by example).