I’m A Fool…Only For You!

For the last year I was with a guy and his daughter. What’s the problem with that? Oh nothing more than he was living with his baby-mama. Judge me, call me stupid, call me a hoe, call me a slut, a mistress, the “other” girl, a home wrecker. Trust me i’ve heard them all before and i’ve felt like every one of those and then some.You aren’t in my shoes today, doesn’t mean you won’t be in my shoes some day. Trust me I never thought I would ever be in the shoes i’m in today.  I never thought I could even love a man like I did him. period. Let’s clear one thing up first (I HAD NEVER BEEN WITH ANYONE THAT I KNEW WAS WITH ANYONE ELSE BEFORE). In fact I looked down on those type of women/men. Never in a million years did I think it would be me. Never in a million years did I think I would ever love anyone like I did him. However I knew the moment I stood at his door and he smiled he would break my heart, he would be the one I would love and it would hurt. He was my heart-breaker. Never in a million,billion,trillion years did I think it would hurt this bad though. October 8, 2011. I stood at his door with no more than a smile introducing myself. With the thought “he has a babymama, I respect that.” I did, I do respect it. I listened to him, and I had proof of the unhappiness that occured with their relationship. I knew his circumstances. I saw them first hand myself (I’m one of those I believe it when I see it type of people). I got all the promises. Heard out all his dreams. He spent many days, many nights with me. I played with him and his daughter I loved watching them together. We even discussed more kids.But even though I could see the unhappiness that would occur, the big ass fights, arguments etc. There was still a sense of guilt that I carried around. I knew what it felt like to be cheated on, lied to. I knew that reguardless of how she was, who she was it would still hurt. I was stuck between my heart and head. I was stuck between the love I had for him and his little girl and the burden I carried with me everyday. I was also growing tired of the judgmental statements made towards me, I was tired of the broken promises. This was clearly not a roll I was meant to play. I was accustomed to being the one lied to, the “other girl” was the one on the other end of my phone telling me who the hell she was. And NO ONE knew how much I hated it, how much I hated that I loved him, how bad I felt. How guilty I felt, how many nights I cried, how many times I just wanted to be done but I loved them to much. I missed them to much when I was gone. Even ZI was asking for his daughter and about him. The only way she would even go to church one Sunday was because I told her his daughter would be there ( which was clearly a lie lol but I had to get out the door.) I would leave and go back every single time. My emotions would get the best of me being there and walking away. I was an emotional wreck no matter how you looked at it. I was a fool. I was a fool for him and only him.There was no other way to say it, to put it. I was in-love with him. The thought of him, the idea of him. Just everything about him made me love him even the things I didn’t like I loved. I knew one day though this would be to much for him too and he would have to choose which way to go. He was stuck between his heart, head, the idea of me, and the history with her. He was trying hard to keep both of us as happy as possible without hurting either one of us. I loved him enough to want to see him happy, and although I knew he could be happy with me. I knew deep down no matter what happened, he loved her. No matter how bad it hurt me to admit it. I loved hi enough to set him free and well if he came back to me then that’s when I’d know it was meant to be. This time I didn’t go back, it hurt(s). I die everyday. I swear I hear him calling my name some days. I hear his little girl calling me mama. And sometimes Za’niyah still asks about them, just not as much (i’m thankful for that, it was a CONSTANT reminder.) I’ve taken this time to try and get over him, let him go. And some days I want to see him so bad, I want so bad to just go cry and say pick me, please, because I love you. Just straight beg! Then I snap back into reality and just go on with the day whether it’s faking a smile, laugh. Or faking really being interested in someone else. I’ve met a few people after him, there was only one that came half way to making me truly happy again. Then he just disappeared and honestly I was hurt by the situation but in my heart of hearts I didn’t care that he left. Just the way things happened. I still was struggling to not call him (P). So I wouldn’t call him anything at all sometimes. The rest of them… well they just weren’t him. They required to much of my energy to act like I was interested. The struggle of having to go over everything about myself, my likes, dislikes, just seemed to much for me to handle for the first time. He already knew those things.I finally found someone that resembled him, even had the same name, same build. He was just missing the daughter. Oh and the baby-mama drama(Which was a plus). I still found myself trying to talk myself into being interested. Then I found myself on the couch with y face in my hands, crying my eyes out because realization kicked in! Just because they resembled, had the same name etc.. He wasn’t him and never would be. I miss him everyday of my life. My mother and grandmother told me i’ll love someone else but i’ll never love anyone else like I loved him. They didn’t have to tell me that. I thought I loved a few until I met him. I realized what it meant to truly be in love. Some days it just drives me crazy. I’ve never cried so much in my life. I’m a fool. I’m only a fool for him though.

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Mornings+Birds= No Toddler

No work today… However I will be with my aunt and little cousins! We are taking them to see birds… And although I really wanted to bring zi along im afraid the crowd will overwhelm her and she will most likely be afraid. Although we she loves Donatello he is ours and these animals are strange lol. So she will miss this trip:(. Plus holding an extra 30lbs. The whole time Will not work out so much lol.
On another note: IM IN NEED OF A COFFEE!! Yes Starbucks, McDonald’s one of you will see my face in a few minutes:)!

Breaking Hearts…

When someone ask’s me why do I love you? I simply smile and say I love you for who you are. I don’t feel as though I need a long list or explanation for loving you or anyone for that matter. Sometimes you are not always the person I thought you were and sometimes you are more than I expected you to be. However this is not healthy for me emotionally. I realize that, yet I do nothing to prevent it. Why? because I guess I just keep hoping, I just keep praying that one day this will get better. Yet everytime you come back and walk away i’m left with the pieces to pick back up. Sometimes I think you have good intentions and you don’t always mean to give me false hope and false dreams. I believe that at the moment you mean it and somewhere down the road you forget what you promised, you forget what you said, you forget about my heart. When someone asks me what do I see in you? I simply smile and say I see everything he has potential to be, I see all the things he can do. I see all the things he will do one day, just give him a little time. However I wonder how much more time can I spare? Right now I see all you can do, I also see all the things you don’t seem to be willing to do. And where there is a will there is a way, but without the will you won’t make a way. When I first met you I was under the impression that things were much different than they really are. Yet I still stuck around. I still stick around. Right now, I just feel stupid. I feel as though I’ve went beyond loving you, now i’m just being stupid for you. You leave and go back, I wait until the next time which won’t be to far off from now. Sure enough you come back angry, and broken again. Yet I take you back in making sure you are okay, making sure you have what you need. How much longer can I do this? Because everytime zi ask me why can’t she go play with your daughter I can’t really find the words. She can’t understand why she can’t see her friend right now, why she see’s her in pictures but not in person. I miss her myself. Sometimes I wonder why is it so hard to be good to the person that loves you, the one that doesn’t cause all the drama in your life, the one that takes you reguardless, the one that literally loves you no matter what you do,the one that wants to help you. Then again how come I can’t seem to love the one’s thats good to me? Instead I take you back in everytime, I rather loose them than loose you, I rather satisfy you than the one’s I know would give a good life. It’s not about what you have, it’s not about what you don’t have. People ask me whats the point? I can’t give them an answer because I don’t have one. I sit and listen to you, I encourage you and for a moment you see what i’m saying, you agree and yet you put your blinders right back on. I do the same eveytime you pop back up. I listen to you and try not to even take what you say to heart because I know in the end you only let me down, yet I put my blinders back on block out what my head is telling me and listen to my heart and use the excuse “I love him.” I remember when your cousin looked at me and said “damn girl your eyes smile when you see him.” My heart smiles, and breaks at the same time. It must be the toughest muscle I have because as much as it has been let down it seems to be able to take a little more each time. Yet I don’t think you treat me that bad. Even that part confuses me. I guess because when you are with me you treat me like every girl/woman wants to be treated. I was told I was to sweet for you, I was told I deserve better than you. I deserve the one I care about, the one I love and I deserve you. I just tell them what I put up with is my business, what we do is our business. Yet deep down I know I deserve someone that treats me right, I deserve someone that will stick to their word, I deserve to be there only one. Yet I want you because I do love you, because I only want you. Because i’m only willing to do half the stuff for others than I’m willing to do for you. I don’t want to picture life without you being apart of it.  Sometimes I’m not sure if I have a choice in the matter though.

There Will Come A Time…

There will come a time when she won’t run into my arms to be picked up. There will come a time when she will not want to be held. There will come a time when she won’t come get in my lap to watch tv with her sippy cup. As Zi get’s older I see her personality come together. I see her stubborness when I tell her to hand me something that she can’t have, or tell her to do something that she doesn’t want to do as she just stands there and look at me refusing. I see her goofiness as she runs and laughs, and loves to try and scare me or play a joke. I recognize her becoming more and more independent as she wants to give herself  a bath, pick out her own outfit, and even put her own clothes and shoes on. There will come a day when she will fix her own plate, put on her own clothes, stand in the mirror for hours to make sure she looks perfect. She will have a real boyfriend, She will drive and will not want to be my little shadow anymore. Doll’s and minnie mouse scooters will be traded for cell phones and cars, computers and music devices, A bedtime story will be traded for a phone call with her friends. 3 1/2 years ago that seemed sooo far. Now looking at her I realize it’s not that far away at all, it never was. And although my patience may grow thin having her sometimes, I wouldn’t trade her for nothing and I love her unconditionally and there is no one or nothing in this world that will or could ever change that!

So if you have children, or a child, godchildren, or are caring for a child period. When you go home today or the next time you have them be sure to embrace that tantrum, because one day it will be replaced by a door slam, or a eye-roll. Instead of taking that phone call sit down and play with them, hug them, kiss them while you can because one day they will walk out the door with a simple “Mom/Dad i’m leaving”, or a simple “Bye.” Instead of putting them in  bed and closing the door hold them tonight until they fall asleep because it won’t last forever one day you will go in their room and they will already be sleep without a goodnight! Embrace the cry over a broken toy because one day it will be over a broken heart and you won’t be able to replace that, or fix it with a simple hug. And that day will come when you look back on pictures of them being small wondering where in the world did the time go.

Lord please…

“Lord I can’t say it in words… So can
you please just listen through my heart” -unknown
Thats all I can say. It’s all I have in me right now. Life is draining!

Just One Of Those Days…

Tonight is just one of those nights, you know the one where every emotion but happiness seems to surface? I miss him so bad! I never thought that I could have ever felt this way about anyone like him! Growing up I was always the one that told my mom “Oh I don’t know why people walk around and mope over one person, their is more where they came from… so pick up your heart and move on. That will NEVER be me. She would kind of laugh and say, I hope it never is you but one day It will be you will run up with the right person that’s gone bring you off that high horse.” She was right… I loved him when he opened the door and smiled. I knew that him… him… Ohhhh he was different! The way he loved his kid and kids in general automatically gave him the key to my heart! Now I have to explain to Zi (who is a nice innocent constant reminder that life has a way of bringing things to an ABRUPT end) that she can’t go play with her “Bestfriend, sister(Wherever she got that one from I don’t know i’m still trying to figure it out!)” anymore. At least not right now and from the looks of things not ever. I feel so bored,sad,lonely around here now. I mean, I was stuck to him like glue at one point! Wasn’t to many days that went by I didn’t see him, talk to him, smother him to damn death Lol. I loved the kid just as much, if not more! They say “when you love someone you love everthing that comes with them” that has got to be the TRUTH! Once I saw him not even break out in a sweat and survive two screaming children. Who were running under tables, stepping on our feet, dropping chips and jumping on chairs and he wasn’t bothered one bit, I was sold! *Insert sweet quiet (but short) moment: two little girls laying on a chair together watching tv* If I wasn’t sold before (which I was) I was then! It’s been 1 month and 8 days since I was with him last. I’m so tired of feeling this way! It’s just a COMPLETE emotional drain. Why did my mom have to be right? I never felt like this over NO ONE! NOBODY at all, i’m usually the one that picks up my pieces no matter what! This just isn’t the same, I actually love him 0__o!No not me, I said that would never ever be me! It’s me and I don’t like it if it has to hurt. I mean I think my heart went into shock like,What DO YOU MEAN YOU CANT GET OVER HIM IN A WEEK OR LESS!? Yeah it has never felt this way before. He’s the only guy that I wouldn’t have minded marrying at some point in my life *just still not right now*. The fact I could actuatlly think about it or visualize it at all was just mind blowing for me. Oh how I hate the reality of life.

On top of that i’m in DESPERATE need of a JOB! All I want is a job! No one warned me on how hard it would be to find a decent job (okay maybe they did, and I already knew…But still). On top of that I have a million other things on my mind! Everything just seems to pile up at once. They say “when it rains it pours” and they didn’t lie! I will get through this some how i’m sure. I’ve gotten through life thus far I’ll make it through this to.

*Side note: so i’m watching the cosby show(old i know) but they sent sandra out with the same guy they used as denises husband *later episodes* smh TELEVISiON.

The Kid IS NOT An “It”

Tonight while browsing around on Pinterest I came across a beautiful picture of a sweet baby girl. Read the caption and it read “Oh, this must be your kid… what is IT?” Clearly “IT” was a baby girl. She was sitting up with a BIG flowered headband, playing with little pearls around her neck. What part of that picture didn’t scream “LITTLE GIRL?” As you can see that this really got under my skin. The reason: First off a human being is not an “IT.” Of course if i’m pregnant I expect you to ask “what is it?” “whats the sex” thats completely acceptable. What’s not acceptable is when the baby is here and you refer to my kid as an “IT.” I despise being out and seeing someone say “awww IT’S so cute..” wait… what did you just refer to the kid as an “IT?” Or the famous one.. “aww so precious… what is it?” Especially when the child has on all pink, a pink carseat, a bow in her hair! Or has on all blue, a shirt that reads “mommy’s little all-star” with footballs! You know something that just SCREAMS THE SEX of the child! And you ask “WHAT IS IT?” I can understand if the child has on “gender-neutral colors and outfit” ex: a yellow and white sleeper with ducks. That could be for a girl or boy and perhaps your little one is just a newborn or little girl is challenged in the hair industry or little boy has a lot of hair along with this gender-neutral outfit. Then yes you have my permission to ask “If you dont mind me asking, is it a girl or boy?” Anything outside of that.. the kid is not an it and you will refer to him or her as just that!

KID FRIENDLY IDEAS NEEDED!

Okay so sometimes being in the house with za’niyah sometimes bore’s me as well as her i’m sure! On nice day’s it’s a park day but we can’t stay ALL day! So I need some Kid friendly idea’s to do with a 3year old (about to be 4) while inside the house or some out doors ideas (minus the park)

Love has no labels, no faces, no limits!

Love has no labels, no faces, and no limits. It’s difficult for married heterosexual couples to adopt. However it’s more difficult for homosexual couples and single people to adopt. Who told you that they were  not capable of parenting? Who said they were not capable of loving and caring for a child like the happily married couple (thats probably pretending to be happily married anyway) down the street? Where did you get that idea? Here are a few “EXPLINATIONS” i’ve come across. “The child will grow up confused” “Children should have a mom and dad” “Two incomes are better than one” “You have to think what’s in the best interest of the child and their future.” And here is my take on it. I was conceived by a man and woman and guess what… the man abandoned me! Yeah yeah yeah I grew up in a single parent home! Well let me tell you about this single parent home… I turned out just fine! I’m no more screwed up than the child down the street with the mother and father! Infact i’m probably better off! I had a loving mother (she wasnt perfect) but at the end of the day I knew she loved me and knows she love’s me and that was good enough for me.The best interest of the child is for the child to have a loving family, home, and parent! Whether homosexual or heterosexual. Just because “it glitters doesn’t mean it’s always gold.” Just because that married couple with the nice income, in their nice house, wearing their Mark Jacobs and Ralph Lauren clothing, driving their nice car are smiling doesn’t mean that family is what’s in the best interest of the child! Most of these children in orphanages aren’t concerned about whether they will have a mother and father. Most of them just want someone to call their “family” and a house to call a “home.” Because most of them have never had either or. They don’t care if they have two mommy’s or two daddy’s or a mom, or dad. (news flash everyone doesn’t want to be married and with the divorce rates going up can you blame them?And Before you quote a scripture from the Bible I ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT SAYS! But no one is perfect.Moving along.) It just baffles me how people can honestly look at a child being shipped from foster home to foster home in most cases and yet turn down a perfectly good home for them based on sexuality! Who said these married, heterosexual homes are so perfect? I had friends in school who if only their parents knew how bad they wanted them to just part damn company from one another (from all the arguing and fighting) they would probably be embarrised! Or what about the child you gave to the couple that had the mother and father, the mother is staying for the money, the father is acting as though he’s in the office working when he is out cheating on his wife, while the wife sits at home with her glass of whine crying herself to sleep at night, when the father walks in his plate is still on the table cold, and they fight until one either walks away or just go to bed angry. Yet you turned down the homosexual couple based on their sexual preferrences. At least there they would have had a REAL happy and peaceful home. Or you turned down the woman that could still afford a child and the child would have had a wonderful loving home with her but she wasn’t married. Yet this was in the best interest of the child right? I beg to differ. Children aren’t concerened about whether their parents are homosexual, heterosexual, black, white, blue, pink, or purple, single, or married. It’s simply about being with the people that love them most.

I’m not saying that just because someone wants a child they should be “GIVEN” a child. I just feel as long as the family is loving (married or not, hetero or homo) are capable human beings of parenting, and can afford the child they should be given a chance without being descriminated against or judged!

Love has no labels, no faces, and no limits!

18 years to be a child,A Lifetime to be an adult…

When I was younger my family would always tell the children when we would complain about not being old enough… “you have 18years to be a child and a lifetime to be an adult.” As I get older I understand what they meant by that. Even at just 20 I find myself wishing someone would push me in a stroller or thinking kindergarden sounds nice. Recess here I come! 

I see so many parents putting so much emphasis on “I’m preparing my child for the real world”, they tend to forget to let the child be a child. There is nothing wrong with preparing your child with whats to come in life (don’t get me wrong) but stop and take a breather for just a moment. Let them stop and smell the flowers, run wild, so what if the outfit they choose to wear isn’t matching that day and their hair is wild. Let them be a child. They will have pleanty of time to stand in the closet for hours to find ther “perfect” outfit to wear, or stand in the mirrior trying to get their hair “just right.” Then you will say “where did the time go” the time didn’t go anywhere you just forgot to stop and actually notice you had a child because you were so busy “preparing” you forgot to stop and “enjoy”. Most likely that  question will come along prom, graduations, weddings, and bringing new editions into the world. As I put za’niyah(3) in bed tonight I actually stopped and watched her laugh and roll around the bed a moment. I tucked her in and read her a book and remembered my grandma used to do it to me as a child. It was simply and some nights she would be so tired she would make up one, but it was a memory that lasted forever. When she was small I wished she was older so that those 2 a.m. feedings wouldnt seem so bad and the moments I couldn’t roll over without hearing a whimper would soon be over! Now I watch her run and play, say my name! Go to sleep on her own, use underwear instead of diapers and attempt to hold a conversation. where did the time go? It went into wishing for this day, now I want to rewind the clock. She has 18years to be a child and a lifetime to be an adult. So I think I’ll embrace these years. Trust me the time does fly!