I’m A Fool…Only For You!

For the last year I was with a guy and his daughter. What’s the problem with that? Oh nothing more than he was living with his baby-mama. Judge me, call me stupid, call me a hoe, call me a slut, a mistress, the “other” girl, a home wrecker. Trust me i’ve heard them all before and i’ve felt like every one of those and then some.You aren’t in my shoes today, doesn’t mean you won’t be in my shoes some day. Trust me I never thought I would ever be in the shoes i’m in today.  I never thought I could even love a man like I did him. period. Let’s clear one thing up first (I HAD NEVER BEEN WITH ANYONE THAT I KNEW WAS WITH ANYONE ELSE BEFORE). In fact I looked down on those type of women/men. Never in a million years did I think it would be me. Never in a million years did I think I would ever love anyone like I did him. However I knew the moment I stood at his door and he smiled he would break my heart, he would be the one I would love and it would hurt. He was my heart-breaker. Never in a million,billion,trillion years did I think it would hurt this bad though. October 8, 2011. I stood at his door with no more than a smile introducing myself. With the thought “he has a babymama, I respect that.” I did, I do respect it. I listened to him, and I had proof of the unhappiness that occured with their relationship. I knew his circumstances. I saw them first hand myself (I’m one of those I believe it when I see it type of people). I got all the promises. Heard out all his dreams. He spent many days, many nights with me. I played with him and his daughter I loved watching them together. We even discussed more kids.But even though I could see the unhappiness that would occur, the big ass fights, arguments etc. There was still a sense of guilt that I carried around. I knew what it felt like to be cheated on, lied to. I knew that reguardless of how she was, who she was it would still hurt. I was stuck between my heart and head. I was stuck between the love I had for him and his little girl and the burden I carried with me everyday. I was also growing tired of the judgmental statements made towards me, I was tired of the broken promises. This was clearly not a roll I was meant to play. I was accustomed to being the one lied to, the “other girl” was the one on the other end of my phone telling me who the hell she was. And NO ONE knew how much I hated it, how much I hated that I loved him, how bad I felt. How guilty I felt, how many nights I cried, how many times I just wanted to be done but I loved them to much. I missed them to much when I was gone. Even ZI was asking for his daughter and about him. The only way she would even go to church one Sunday was because I told her his daughter would be there ( which was clearly a lie lol but I had to get out the door.) I would leave and go back every single time. My emotions would get the best of me being there and walking away. I was an emotional wreck no matter how you looked at it. I was a fool. I was a fool for him and only him.There was no other way to say it, to put it. I was in-love with him. The thought of him, the idea of him. Just everything about him made me love him even the things I didn’t like I loved. I knew one day though this would be to much for him too and he would have to choose which way to go. He was stuck between his heart, head, the idea of me, and the history with her. He was trying hard to keep both of us as happy as possible without hurting either one of us. I loved him enough to want to see him happy, and although I knew he could be happy with me. I knew deep down no matter what happened, he loved her. No matter how bad it hurt me to admit it. I loved hi enough to set him free and well if he came back to me then that’s when I’d know it was meant to be. This time I didn’t go back, it hurt(s). I die everyday. I swear I hear him calling my name some days. I hear his little girl calling me mama. And sometimes Za’niyah still asks about them, just not as much (i’m thankful for that, it was a CONSTANT reminder.) I’ve taken this time to try and get over him, let him go. And some days I want to see him so bad, I want so bad to just go cry and say pick me, please, because I love you. Just straight beg! Then I snap back into reality and just go on with the day whether it’s faking a smile, laugh. Or faking really being interested in someone else. I’ve met a few people after him, there was only one that came half way to making me truly happy again. Then he just disappeared and honestly I was hurt by the situation but in my heart of hearts I didn’t care that he left. Just the way things happened. I still was struggling to not call him (P). So I wouldn’t call him anything at all sometimes. The rest of them… well they just weren’t him. They required to much of my energy to act like I was interested. The struggle of having to go over everything about myself, my likes, dislikes, just seemed to much for me to handle for the first time. He already knew those things.I finally found someone that resembled him, even had the same name, same build. He was just missing the daughter. Oh and the baby-mama drama(Which was a plus). I still found myself trying to talk myself into being interested. Then I found myself on the couch with y face in my hands, crying my eyes out because realization kicked in! Just because they resembled, had the same name etc.. He wasn’t him and never would be. I miss him everyday of my life. My mother and grandmother told me i’ll love someone else but i’ll never love anyone else like I loved him. They didn’t have to tell me that. I thought I loved a few until I met him. I realized what it meant to truly be in love. Some days it just drives me crazy. I’ve never cried so much in my life. I’m a fool. I’m only a fool for him though.

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All That Remains Is A Memory

I can’t feel my feet, they’re on the ground but I can’t feel them. My world has shattered, crashed, and burned right into a sea of tears since you’ve been gone. Since I last heard your voice, called your name felt any piece of you at all. Since your little girl has ran up to hug me, call me mama. I still hear the both of you in my dreams. I can’t cry because the tears won’t fall and my breathing is faint. I lost you and I’m so lost without you here. I know what I need to do. I need to let you go, because “if it’s meant to be it will be no matter what” at least that’s what I was taught. I was also taught that “anything worth having is worth fighting for.” But I don’t want to fight for you and you not fight back so I just sit. Sometimes I just feel as though the only battle here is the battle between my heart and tears and trust me they’re on the opposing team! I linger around in confusion, my heart and head are stuck in a world pool of emotions.I feel like i’m stuck in a maze and I can’t find my way out. I see my heart waiting where you dropped it off at. I can’t get to it, but it belongs to you anyway. The pain is killing me, I never knew it would hurt this bad. I wasn’t prepared, I loved you. I love you and how could I ever prepare myself to loose the one I love? How do you prepare for that? If you were here I’d tell you i’m sorry for it all, I’m sorry for all the things I said to you out of anger, out of hurt. I would never say them if  you were here now. I would do some things different. I feel like i’m falling off a cliff and I just want to hit the ground, because i’m tired of falling now. I’m tired of the wondering when the fall will just end, the ground seems as though it’s moving further away. At least that’s how my pain feels, never ending. I’m done with the book but I just can’t seem to close it. I keep re-reading the last chapter over and over again. I’m just not ready to be done yet. I want a sequel to my book and I want it to be happily ever after at the end.I want my ending to end with you and I. My heart breaks everyday. It’s like it repairs itself and breaks all over again the next day. It’s been a while now and I thought that by now my tears would have dried. But they’re still falling, I’m still saddened by the mention of your name. I’m still trying to fill the void of you and the kids not being here. I’m still trying to forget, hoping that if I forget I won’t have to deal with the memory. I thought of getting (skinny minnie) for Halloween so that she could trick or treat with zaniyah. I decided against it, I figured maybe it’s best that she never even remember me. Never even know I existed, i’ll soon become no more than a memory and she will one day no longer call me ma or cry to leave me. She won’t even run to me i’ll become a stranger and maybe it’s better that way. Remember last year? They were suppose to go together but it rained so I just bought a big bag of candy and split it between them. The next morning all they wanted was candy! The screams, the laughter,  a few tears never even phased us. I walked in your house to prove that you didn’t need to leave your doors unlocked since you believed you were “safe.” This year was different though and although I enjoyed watching her have fun, there was a sense of sadness, loneliness. I took her alone, I went back home to no one. To an empty house, no smiles, no laughs. Just  my tears, all that remains is my pain and memories. My heart was the one thing that didn’t change in this. The one thing that remains the same is my love for you. I just want someone to wake me up and say “Kierra you were having a dream.” All that remains of us is a memory.

There is a “New Baby” in the house

Tonight is our first night with little khy’marrii. I knew his mommy probably needed a break, and she had to attend her night class. So after work we headed to go get the little guy. At first I was kind of out of the swing of things I guess you can say. I mean Za’niyah is 3 1/2. Lol. However I have picked it right back up! This little guy just gives me” baby fever” all over again!! Babies are such a blessing to have. Hard work? Yes. Tiring? yes. However if you think those 2 hour feedings are horrible! Try those toddler years, and by me working with ages k-8 as well, I see “OH IT REALLY NEVER DOES GET EASIER!” lol Well off I go, there are more things to be done!

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Breaking Hearts…

When someone ask’s me why do I love you? I simply smile and say I love you for who you are. I don’t feel as though I need a long list or explanation for loving you or anyone for that matter. Sometimes you are not always the person I thought you were and sometimes you are more than I expected you to be. However this is not healthy for me emotionally. I realize that, yet I do nothing to prevent it. Why? because I guess I just keep hoping, I just keep praying that one day this will get better. Yet everytime you come back and walk away i’m left with the pieces to pick back up. Sometimes I think you have good intentions and you don’t always mean to give me false hope and false dreams. I believe that at the moment you mean it and somewhere down the road you forget what you promised, you forget what you said, you forget about my heart. When someone asks me what do I see in you? I simply smile and say I see everything he has potential to be, I see all the things he can do. I see all the things he will do one day, just give him a little time. However I wonder how much more time can I spare? Right now I see all you can do, I also see all the things you don’t seem to be willing to do. And where there is a will there is a way, but without the will you won’t make a way. When I first met you I was under the impression that things were much different than they really are. Yet I still stuck around. I still stick around. Right now, I just feel stupid. I feel as though I’ve went beyond loving you, now i’m just being stupid for you. You leave and go back, I wait until the next time which won’t be to far off from now. Sure enough you come back angry, and broken again. Yet I take you back in making sure you are okay, making sure you have what you need. How much longer can I do this? Because everytime zi ask me why can’t she go play with your daughter I can’t really find the words. She can’t understand why she can’t see her friend right now, why she see’s her in pictures but not in person. I miss her myself. Sometimes I wonder why is it so hard to be good to the person that loves you, the one that doesn’t cause all the drama in your life, the one that takes you reguardless, the one that literally loves you no matter what you do,the one that wants to help you. Then again how come I can’t seem to love the one’s thats good to me? Instead I take you back in everytime, I rather loose them than loose you, I rather satisfy you than the one’s I know would give a good life. It’s not about what you have, it’s not about what you don’t have. People ask me whats the point? I can’t give them an answer because I don’t have one. I sit and listen to you, I encourage you and for a moment you see what i’m saying, you agree and yet you put your blinders right back on. I do the same eveytime you pop back up. I listen to you and try not to even take what you say to heart because I know in the end you only let me down, yet I put my blinders back on block out what my head is telling me and listen to my heart and use the excuse “I love him.” I remember when your cousin looked at me and said “damn girl your eyes smile when you see him.” My heart smiles, and breaks at the same time. It must be the toughest muscle I have because as much as it has been let down it seems to be able to take a little more each time. Yet I don’t think you treat me that bad. Even that part confuses me. I guess because when you are with me you treat me like every girl/woman wants to be treated. I was told I was to sweet for you, I was told I deserve better than you. I deserve the one I care about, the one I love and I deserve you. I just tell them what I put up with is my business, what we do is our business. Yet deep down I know I deserve someone that treats me right, I deserve someone that will stick to their word, I deserve to be there only one. Yet I want you because I do love you, because I only want you. Because i’m only willing to do half the stuff for others than I’m willing to do for you. I don’t want to picture life without you being apart of it.  Sometimes I’m not sure if I have a choice in the matter though.

There Will Come A Time…

There will come a time when she won’t run into my arms to be picked up. There will come a time when she will not want to be held. There will come a time when she won’t come get in my lap to watch tv with her sippy cup. As Zi get’s older I see her personality come together. I see her stubborness when I tell her to hand me something that she can’t have, or tell her to do something that she doesn’t want to do as she just stands there and look at me refusing. I see her goofiness as she runs and laughs, and loves to try and scare me or play a joke. I recognize her becoming more and more independent as she wants to give herself  a bath, pick out her own outfit, and even put her own clothes and shoes on. There will come a day when she will fix her own plate, put on her own clothes, stand in the mirror for hours to make sure she looks perfect. She will have a real boyfriend, She will drive and will not want to be my little shadow anymore. Doll’s and minnie mouse scooters will be traded for cell phones and cars, computers and music devices, A bedtime story will be traded for a phone call with her friends. 3 1/2 years ago that seemed sooo far. Now looking at her I realize it’s not that far away at all, it never was. And although my patience may grow thin having her sometimes, I wouldn’t trade her for nothing and I love her unconditionally and there is no one or nothing in this world that will or could ever change that!

So if you have children, or a child, godchildren, or are caring for a child period. When you go home today or the next time you have them be sure to embrace that tantrum, because one day it will be replaced by a door slam, or a eye-roll. Instead of taking that phone call sit down and play with them, hug them, kiss them while you can because one day they will walk out the door with a simple “Mom/Dad i’m leaving”, or a simple “Bye.” Instead of putting them in  bed and closing the door hold them tonight until they fall asleep because it won’t last forever one day you will go in their room and they will already be sleep without a goodnight! Embrace the cry over a broken toy because one day it will be over a broken heart and you won’t be able to replace that, or fix it with a simple hug. And that day will come when you look back on pictures of them being small wondering where in the world did the time go.

Instagram Health… Stop Over Feeding The Kid(s)

(100 calorie bread, turkey, and kiwi)

Dealing with weight issues nearly all my life (except for the moment i was born at 4lbs 15oz dropping to 4lbs. 7oz), I decided to go on this health kick! You know, excersise, better eating habits.. the basics! Why? because I have a desire to live longer (yes I know some people do what they think is right all their lives and still die young etc..But i’d rather die doing what I thought was best than die and it be my own fault) besides that I would like to remain diabeties, high blood pressure,and heart attack free. I’ve been to so many nutristionist it’s far from funny, so I know what to do and what not to do… I just never really did it before. This time though, I’m determined. Unlike those unfortunate people that its really hard for them to loose weight, its not that way for me at all. It’s just hard to STICK to the diet. I also find it so important for kids to be healthy. There’s nothing that I hate more than to see an overweight child that people find funny, cute, and they have mounds of food on their plate. It bothers me personally because that kid was me, at that point its not the childs fault it’s the parents fault! This leads to adulthood (unless that kid finds something wrong with their lifestyle and changes it). It’s no longer funny when its hard for them to find clothes, or walk, or you have to prick their little fingers, or other kids are teasing them to no end because they can’t keep up, and for (women) it can also affect you from being able to conceive(thats right for those of you who didn’t know, it may not be your ovaries or your husbands sperm. So stop blaming that poor man lol! It could be your weight). If your child has a medical condition or are on some type of medication that causes them to gain weight, that is COMPLETELY understandable. I don’t allow zi (or any other kid that steps foot in this camp) to eat that way around here, yes she gets a peanut butter and jelly, mcdonalds, and pizza. However her pizza is cut like a child, portioned like a child, and grapes or something healthy usually go along with it. What kid doesn’t love mcdonalds, but its usually if i hear the *I’m hungry* and we are on the move (she eats when she says she hungry only, unless she just ate)! She is a really good eater and not that picky, she will try ALMOST anything which makes it easy to feed her. She likes Broccoli *I found that out a few weeks ago when putting it on her plate for the first time.* She also loves to be outdoors which is great!

Yes I understand that there are thin people who are unhealthy. And all sizes are beautiful, I won’t love myself any less, or any more being skinny or plus size! Image is not what it’s about, numbers aren’t what it’s about. It’s about trying to be as healthy as possible and trying to do what’s right. Not only for you, but for your kids, or future kids to (You have to start by example).

I Am…

I’m crazy, sometimes dizzy, my jokes are only funny to me and a weirdo that gets it, I laugh at things only I sometimes find funny, I forget I’m grown sometimes, A 3year old walks around carrying my heart with her, I get irritated quickly some days, I forget how to spell some of the most simple words! I can’t do math in my head unless it’s the basics, I have yet to go to college, I chose the most imperfect guy to love (he’s probably the only guy that will actually sit and try to stick his middle toe up with me and laugh about it. He gets me.), I’m not the cutest person in the world I dont pretend to think so. My idea of being sexy are hello kitty underwear, with a T-shirt, Jeans and a pair of old navy flip flops! I’m sometimes overly sensitive and emotional, I cry at the stupidest things, sometimes I cry and don’t know why, I walk around with a smile ready to burst out in tears any minute! I walk around most day’s in t-shirts, underwear and my hair is a mess, He say’s I walk around and know I’m cute (I say I walk around with my head  in the clouds questioning myself, thinking I’m not cute at all, only boosting my confidence when he tells me so.),I’m extremely clingy and like a flee on a dog sometimes (you know, no matter how much u scratch me I just bounce to the other side),I’m too shy to ever approach anyone for fear of rejection, I freely express how I feel most of the time, I tell him I love him even If I don’t hear it back, I was told I make my mistake by expressing my feelings to people, I think people make their mistakes by not expressing themselves enough.

” I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” -Marilyn Monroe

Just One Of Those Days…

Tonight is just one of those nights, you know the one where every emotion but happiness seems to surface? I miss him so bad! I never thought that I could have ever felt this way about anyone like him! Growing up I was always the one that told my mom “Oh I don’t know why people walk around and mope over one person, their is more where they came from… so pick up your heart and move on. That will NEVER be me. She would kind of laugh and say, I hope it never is you but one day It will be you will run up with the right person that’s gone bring you off that high horse.” She was right… I loved him when he opened the door and smiled. I knew that him… him… Ohhhh he was different! The way he loved his kid and kids in general automatically gave him the key to my heart! Now I have to explain to Zi (who is a nice innocent constant reminder that life has a way of bringing things to an ABRUPT end) that she can’t go play with her “Bestfriend, sister(Wherever she got that one from I don’t know i’m still trying to figure it out!)” anymore. At least not right now and from the looks of things not ever. I feel so bored,sad,lonely around here now. I mean, I was stuck to him like glue at one point! Wasn’t to many days that went by I didn’t see him, talk to him, smother him to damn death Lol. I loved the kid just as much, if not more! They say “when you love someone you love everthing that comes with them” that has got to be the TRUTH! Once I saw him not even break out in a sweat and survive two screaming children. Who were running under tables, stepping on our feet, dropping chips and jumping on chairs and he wasn’t bothered one bit, I was sold! *Insert sweet quiet (but short) moment: two little girls laying on a chair together watching tv* If I wasn’t sold before (which I was) I was then! It’s been 1 month and 8 days since I was with him last. I’m so tired of feeling this way! It’s just a COMPLETE emotional drain. Why did my mom have to be right? I never felt like this over NO ONE! NOBODY at all, i’m usually the one that picks up my pieces no matter what! This just isn’t the same, I actually love him 0__o!No not me, I said that would never ever be me! It’s me and I don’t like it if it has to hurt. I mean I think my heart went into shock like,What DO YOU MEAN YOU CANT GET OVER HIM IN A WEEK OR LESS!? Yeah it has never felt this way before. He’s the only guy that I wouldn’t have minded marrying at some point in my life *just still not right now*. The fact I could actuatlly think about it or visualize it at all was just mind blowing for me. Oh how I hate the reality of life.

On top of that i’m in DESPERATE need of a JOB! All I want is a job! No one warned me on how hard it would be to find a decent job (okay maybe they did, and I already knew…But still). On top of that I have a million other things on my mind! Everything just seems to pile up at once. They say “when it rains it pours” and they didn’t lie! I will get through this some how i’m sure. I’ve gotten through life thus far I’ll make it through this to.

*Side note: so i’m watching the cosby show(old i know) but they sent sandra out with the same guy they used as denises husband *later episodes* smh TELEVISiON.

Emotions!

I don’t know what’s been going on with my emotions lately but everything seems to make me cry! Maybe I’m just overwhelmed and stressed about a few things. Maybe it’s pre menstral symptoms since I have felt absolutely horrible lately! I’m hoping that’s all it is and will pass I don’t need anymore stress than I already have or surprises right now! But these emotions are just not working for me right now. sigh!! Maybe I just need a decent vacation!