January | 2012 | smileevenwhenlifehurts

I love you, and always will. And If you should ever need anything,I got you.

You should know that. I was told “you will never love another like the first one.”

I hope thats not true… I need to love another I want to love someone just like I loved you.

I thought I loved many, when it was just that… a THOUGHT. I’ve only loved you.

I really loved you from the depts of my heart. Every single aspect of you.

I wanted you, I needed you to put a smile on my face.

All i’m left with is a saddened face and a frown.

I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I don’t laugh, not anymore

. Life just reminds me of you.

I’m sure there will be days you will miss me to. A song you listen to will remind you.

You stayed true to me…Life is what let me down.

Not you. I’ll never regret you, I’ll regret the decisions I made with you.

I got my last hug from you today, January 27, 2012.

Today will be the last day. Today will start my journey of forever missing you.

Whatever it was we had is now through.

All I wanted was to be with you.To love you, care for you. And I still do.

Someone said “maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day… One day you will be able to say Pat? Pat who?”

Not today though,Not tomorrow either, It wont be next week, next month,or next year either. This pain cuts so much deeper.

Caleb Ethan, that’s his name and if you screw it up in any way he will be sure to correct you. Caleb was special from the start. First he tried to come to early which lead to his mom having to get a Cerclage. Then when it was his time to come he didn’t want to come at all. We sat for hours and hours waiting on his arrival which soon ended in a c-section. When the nurse brought him out for us to see, I was expecting a screaming baby boy, not him. He was calm and collective he stared at all of us and eventually gave us a smirk as though he had known us all his life.Then it happened,we noticed he had BLUE EYES,BLUE EYES! Yes, he is African America. No, he is not Bi-racial. The doctor says he was suppose to be a twin. Now his eyes are half blue Half brown. What makes caleb so special isn’t just his eyes though, it’s how he observes everything. Every little detail of life. His compassion for people at 5years old is amazing. And the way he observes things, almost like a little old man. Even as a newborn he was very observant. One day my mom was holding him thinking he was sleep, I noticed every time she would look down he would close his eyes and every time she would look up he would open them. All I could do was laugh and tell her she was being outsmarted by a baby. He has always been smart for his age, so when he went for testing to see if he needed to start in the first grade instead of kindergarten he told the lady “I’m Caleb, I know a lot.” He was very confident in himself, and he should have been because he passed with flying colors and sure enough he was on a first grade level. However he would BARELY be five when starting school and although he is very smart he still had the 5year old whiny mentality. Even when shopping for toys he is very selective about which toy he wants he likes to look at every one of them to make sure that, the toy he is getting is the one for him! One day I told him “caleb you have a five dollar limit on a toy” he tried to negotiate “six dollars because we cant find a toy for five dollars, he says.” I still said, “Five dollars take it or leave it” he took it. We walk in wal-mart and who knew that a toy for five dollars and under was so hard to find in there (a good toy that is). Sure enough we get to the register with his toy (a playdough set) it come’s up to $5.48. We gave the lady six dollars, he stands up in the cart, looks at me and says “see Keyra(as he calls me, Instead of Kierra) I told you I would need six dollars! All I could do was laugh because he was right. When he started walking it was joyous and a headache at the same time. Just like any other toddler he didn’t want to be held or in a cart,he wanted to walk. The walking wasn’t what got on your nerves, it was the whole walk and observe every square inch of life! He would walk a minute, stop look around, might pick something up off the ground to if you weren’t careful. Even now he is still a Slow Poke, asking you a thousand times “what is that” before you can make it in a store. My family calls him their little president because he walks and talks with such confidence in himself as though he already knows his purpose here. The look of contentment on his face screams ” I know i’m loved” the permanent smile he naturally has speaks “I have no worries.” He is such a gentlemen he knows not to hit women, he opens the door for us, he says please and thank you and will remind you to use your manners if you forget. He notices every detail about you. From a different hairstyle, to a bump on your face, to a new pair of shoes. I know that one day Caleb will be someone great. Maybe a president, a doctor, a lawyer, or maybe he will walk on the moon, and If he doesn’t that will be fine to. Rather he works at Mcdonalds, or become the CEO of some big office. Rather he loves a woman or a man. Rather he goes to college or settle for a diploma. He may marry, he may not. My hopes for him is that he becomes a person he love’s, accepts and is proud of. I just hope he is happy in whatever it is he chooses to be or whatever it is he chooses to do. I just know he… will be someone great. How? Because greatness is measured by your own terms not anyone else’s and as long as he know he is great…Then he is.