All That Remains Is A Memory

I can’t feel my feet, they’re on the ground but I can’t feel them. My world has shattered, crashed, and burned right into a sea of tears since you’ve been gone. Since I last heard your voice, called your name felt any piece of you at all. Since your little girl has ran up to hug me, call me mama. I still hear the both of you in my dreams. I can’t cry because the tears won’t fall and my breathing is faint. I lost you and I’m so lost without you here. I know what I need to do. I need to let you go, because “if it’s meant to be it will be no matter what” at least that’s what I was taught. I was also taught that “anything worth having is worth fighting for.” But I don’t want to fight for you and you not fight back so I just sit. Sometimes I just feel as though the only battle here is the battle between my heart and tears and trust me they’re on the opposing team! I linger around in confusion, my heart and head are stuck in a world pool of emotions.I feel like i’m stuck in a maze and I can’t find my way out. I see my heart waiting where you dropped it off at. I can’t get to it, but it belongs to you anyway. The pain is killing me, I never knew it would hurt this bad. I wasn’t prepared, I loved you. I love you and how could I ever prepare myself to loose the one I love? How do you prepare for that? If you were here I’d tell you i’m sorry for it all, I’m sorry for all the things I said to you out of anger, out of hurt. I would never say them if  you were here now. I would do some things different. I feel like i’m falling off a cliff and I just want to hit the ground, because i’m tired of falling now. I’m tired of the wondering when the fall will just end, the ground seems as though it’s moving further away. At least that’s how my pain feels, never ending. I’m done with the book but I just can’t seem to close it. I keep re-reading the last chapter over and over again. I’m just not ready to be done yet. I want a sequel to my book and I want it to be happily ever after at the end.I want my ending to end with you and I. My heart breaks everyday. It’s like it repairs itself and breaks all over again the next day. It’s been a while now and I thought that by now my tears would have dried. But they’re still falling, I’m still saddened by the mention of your name. I’m still trying to fill the void of you and the kids not being here. I’m still trying to forget, hoping that if I forget I won’t have to deal with the memory. I thought of getting (skinny minnie) for Halloween so that she could trick or treat with zaniyah. I decided against it, I figured maybe it’s best that she never even remember me. Never even know I existed, i’ll soon become no more than a memory and she will one day no longer call me ma or cry to leave me. She won’t even run to me i’ll become a stranger and maybe it’s better that way. Remember last year? They were suppose to go together but it rained so I just bought a big bag of candy and split it between them. The next morning all they wanted was candy! The screams, the laughter,  a few tears never even phased us. I walked in your house to prove that you didn’t need to leave your doors unlocked since you believed you were “safe.” This year was different though and although I enjoyed watching her have fun, there was a sense of sadness, loneliness. I took her alone, I went back home to no one. To an empty house, no smiles, no laughs. Just  my tears, all that remains is my pain and memories. My heart was the one thing that didn’t change in this. The one thing that remains the same is my love for you. I just want someone to wake me up and say “Kierra you were having a dream.” All that remains of us is a memory.

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