Broken

“ “Better” probably seems like it’s in the stars somewhere…when “better” is probably around the corner somewhere, we just haven’t seen it yet.”

You were never mine and I was never your’s. I have to find my own family. This is so hard for me, I smile but it doesn’t make me happy. I accept it, it doesn’t mean I like it. I’m not sure how this happened to me. I don’t really know what went so wrong with my emotions. All I know is that one day I found myself caring for him much more than I had planned on. Never in a million years would I have pictured myself with him. Its like… I loved him from the time I met him and I couldn’t stop my emotions. He was perfect to me. The finest person I had ever seen and he wasn’t even my usual “type”. If he knew that..I wonder if it would have been differently? (Sigh) I know he has feelings and I’m not really sure how he feels about me. I just doubt that its the same way I feel about him. I’ve never known me to feel this way about a person. I mean of course I loved before. I liked people before, but him.. well he so far from the usual…He is DIFFERENT. I never knew that I could just instantly connect with someone and literally love everything about them. I hope he never thought that I used his daughter as a “front” because I really love that little girl. I’d pick her to be my daughter any day. Even without him I still care about her. I hope he never thought he wasn’t good enough for me. Because he was more than good enough for me. If I had to choose to be broke with him or rich with someone else I would choose broke with him any day. At least I would be happy. I had dreams of California,they went straight to hell when I met him. I hated North Carolina but when I met him there was no better place to be. As long as I was with him I didn’t care where we were. I must admit I was selfish in this. All I could think about was “I won’t you, I can treat you better, I want to be with you, I need you, I don’t want you to go..I I I.” I never sat down and asked “How do YOU feel? What do YOU want?” Part of me took his kindness for a weakness in a sense. I knew he wouldn’t hurt my feelings. All I knew was he liked me I liked him and I rolled with that I just did what I wanted and tried to make him feel guilty! When in actuality he owed me nothing. He was honest with me from the start. All I knew was he made me happy and I never really thought about “Do you make him happy” Honestly I think he was with her mentally..even when he was with me physically.He says he’s not in love with her.. but actions speak louder than words in my opinion. I think that its easier to deny feelings for a person sometimes. I mean to be honest I never wanted to admit to myself I ever cared about him but I was just tired of denying it to myself that I really fell for a him. And he is an awesome dude at that. I just wanted someone that was as sensitive and thoughtful as him because it seems like I could never find it in anyone else so I snatched it while I could. I didn’t want to be like so many people that say “I missed out on someone good to me.” Gosh I really miss him. I’m really glad I met him and I wont ever forget him.  And to be honest with myself if I could ever get a chance with him I would take it. I can see how he felt like I was smothering him I Was underneath him an awful lot. And again I never thought about “does he want me to be with me every single day?” and I’m sure I was starting to remind him of her with all the “demands” and “wants” and “needs” that I tried to put on him.I mean even I don’t want to be underneath someone daily. Especially If I don’t live with them and even those who live together need time and space from one another. You know “distance makes the heart grow fonder” lol. And I was pushing his heart away from seeing him everyday and didn’t even realize it. I know better now though. Maybe one day..maybe not in this life. But maybe next one we can meet again and things be differently.

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